Ooh, jealousy...

I try not to let alot of things get to me. I try to let things roll off of my back. Last night, however, I had a friend tell me that his wife felt like I had a crush on him because I liked status updates and pictures on facebook and instagram. Really? Wow. First off: no... Secondly, we went to elementary school together. Thirdly, he's married. Lastly, he wears camo, so that's a definite deal breaker! Besides, I don't know if the wife knows this, but I was married LONG before I started being friends with this guy. I'm in love with my husband and I don't want to be with anyone else but him. He has my heart and I promise myself every day that I'm going to forsake all other men and cling to my husband. And the cherry on top is that I live across the country!

Now, I've been the innocent friend and I've also been the jealous girlfriend. I know how jealousy can drive a wedge between everyone involved. Me being an innocent party in this, and not doing anything wrong makes me infuriated. I'm being blamed for something that I didn't do/wasn't my fault.

I was invited to my guy friend's house for coffee and a Bible study... and I assumed that he told his wife about it. I get there, and we sit down to open the Bible and his wife calls on the phone. He proceeds to tell her that I'm there and she gets mad because she wasn't told before that I would be there. So, I'm blamed for that. And now, I comment, and like pictures of him with kids, and mostly of him and his wife. But still I'm blamed that I have a crush on him.

I don't think I'd ask to be friends with his wife if I had a thing for her husband. I wouldn't like pictures of husband and wife kissing and cuddling if I had a crush on the husband. I wouldn't pray that the wife would get pregnant or find a great job if I had a crush on the husband. I wouldn't respect the wife if I had feelings for her husband.

I hate that I'm blamed for something that I didn't do or that wasn't my fault in the first place. I'm very content with my husband and I don't want anyone else! I wouldn't have married my husband if I did want to be with someone else.

As of right now, I'm so pissed off that I can't pray for her because I feel like I'd be saying, "God, change her feelings. Change her heart. Let her see that I'm not trying to break up her family. Let her know I'm not into her husband." So, I'd need to pray for myself for what? For me to understand how she feels? because I definitely don't want to go back to those dark thoughts. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

I made a really great friend and he says I can still be his friend, but I know how her mind works. If I send text messages, like a picture of the both of them, or like a status update or anything, she's going to think I'm after her husband. I can't even unfriend his wife, because that will raise suspicion. He said that I can like something every once in a while. But to her, it's still going to seem that I'm a home wrecker. So, I'd have to screen what I like and what I don't like. So, if I like something, I can't just comment, or like. I have to filter what I do. I'd rather just not deal with that at all. Too much drama. I was that girl.

It's awful being that innocent friend. You're blamed for everything you do. Your friendship is investigated. I thought that because I was happily married and he was happily married, that I didn't have to worry about jealousy, especially since I live more than 2000 miles away! I guess that's not the case, or I just forgot what it's like to be the jealous girl. So, reader, pray for her... and for me. Because I simply can't pray for something I want so strongly for her. I will feel very hypocritical praying for her to realize that I don't want to take her happiness away. It wasn't my fault.

Sugar and Other Disasters

So, trying to manage Chase's sugar levels has been a beast. Yesterday was a bad day in that regard. He was down all day... probably because Saturday night we ate alot of sweets at the Doctor Who Season Seven Premier Party. Chocolate Daleks, Fish Fingers and Custard and Banoffee Pie, OH MY! So, he had sugar overload. And Sunday the wrath came. 

I'm always wanting to get away from him when he's crashing. It's very hard to keep my patience and cool when he's struggling. I keep my mouth closed for the most part and I restrain from punching him in the face. Even if I punched him as hard as I could, it wouldn't hurt him... And that would just annoy me.

He accompanied me to the store to do some shopping and I kept my mouth shut when he made snide and rude remarks. He was constantly negative and I didn't want to encourage him to continue by telling him to stop, or to tell him how annoying it was. He told me that when he gets like that, he doesn't care about anyone, or anything but himself. And on our way home, I saw that. He started raising his voice at me while we were waiting for the bus. At that moment, I looked across the street to see a lady walking by and I was afraid she was going to look over and see Chase yelling at me. I am an advocate against abuse. I don't like to see a woman being degraded by an abusive man. And for just a moment, I felt like the degraded woman. I was afraid that people were going to pass by and wonder if I was okay and safe. Then, I'd have to make an excuse for Chase... I hate it when women have to make excuses for the men they're with. I had enough and finally told him that I didn't want him to take his anger and frustration out on me. He started coming around after that.

He did have human moments where I was pleased to be in his company. My biggest problem is that when he's on a sugar crash like that, I get sad and upset that there's nothing I can do to help him. It's hard seeing the person you love suffer and not being able to just kiss it away.

As a wife, I feel like it's my duty to help Chase in every circumstance that he faces. And I feel unaccomplished and useless on days like yesterday. It's an ugly situation... but it doesn't happen alot... That, I am very thankful for. 

I, in no way, want anyone to think differently of my husband. He loves me very much, and would never do anything on purpose to hurt me emotionally or physically. As it was explained to me, it's just a chemical change that happens... like a detox... or just circumstances of the body not having as much sugar as it had previously. I try to remember that it's not necessarily directed at me. I'm just the one that's around him the most, so I see the majority of it.

So, in the frustration of a wife with no power to take the bad away, all I can do is try not to take it personally, which is hard. I have to remember that no matter what he says, no matter how bad he feels, it's not directed at me. I need to have extra forgiveness and grace... and mercy to him. 

This is the sickness part of the vows. I will love him... always.

Agree to disagree

I've been neglecting the blogging scene... So caught up in social networking, life, and such, I guess I forgot about it. Well, I hate to jump on a bandwagon of marriage rights, so I'm just not going to say anything about it (but I am)... I've asked for prayer on the matter because it's difficult not to feel that I should defend myself... There are so many different opinions out there that if I say anything about what I believe, I'll get bashed one way, or another.

The only thing that I will say, is regardless of people's opinions, I want to treat everyone equally. I want to respect everyone equally. So, I've chosen to keep my thoughts to myself. 

The problem, though is that this topic is driving people against each other. Families against each other, friends against each other. Boycotts, slander, and the like... I say, don't let it drive a wedge between you and your friends and loved ones. Agree to disagree. And if the need to bring up the conversation arises, be careful. We all should take into consideration how the other person will be affected. Sometimes it's better to just swallow your pride and let it go. Who cares what you or I think? If they disagree with your opinion, what does it matter? Do you still love that person enough to keep them in your family? Or to be their friend? Then let it go!

Stay humble, people. We're imperfect and finite. Radiate love to those who disagree: it speaks more than the words spouting from your mouth.

the so very important importance of reading the Word of God

I know I haven't written anything in a long time. It's been tough adjusting to life in Seattle. I have been so convicted of the importance of reading the word that I wrote a letter to a friend that is struggling with not spending time in the Word. Let me know what you think.

I’ve been lifting you up throughout the day as you enter my mind. I hope that the LORD is blessing you in abundance today! I was very convicted to give you Biblical reasons to really commit to starting fellowship time with God through the Word today. I decided to send you an email with some scriptures. Even though "person number 1" and "person number 2" may have made some valid arguments, I wanted to encourage you to dig deeper into God’s Word. While reading the Bible doesn’t prove your salvation, it is a result. And by the way you were talking last night, you desire to have the closeness, but struggle to schedule it.

I know the feeling, believe me. I’m just going to jump right in and give you some insight that the LORD has shown me today and I really hope and pray that these don’t come off as “preachy.” He’s really pricked my heart while I was picking out these passages, too.

The first thing I want to point out is the area of temptation. Jesus was in the wilderness fasting and praying. He used scripture as a means to rebuke the devil when he was being tempted. While it’s not a particular scripture that points out the importance of spending time in the word, Jesus probably would’ve given into sin had he not been meditating on the Word of God.

Another place to look is Psalm 119. There are oodles of scriptures that talk about the Word. I’m just going to point out a few:

• v9, “How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.”
• v11, “I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”
• v18, “Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions.”
• v25, “…revive me by your word.”
• v77, “Surround me with your tender mercies so I may live, for your instructions are my delight.”
• v105, “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”

There are so many more, but I wanted to give you a glimpse of the chapter.

Next, we need to dig into the Word of God to protect us against false teachers. 1 Timothy 4:1-2 speak of false teachers and that they are very deceptive. How are we to know what is truth and what isn’t? Mark 13:14b says, “…Reader, pay attention!” why would Jesus say that if the Word wasn’t important? Sorry if it seems really harsh, I don’t mean it to be, but I feel that this is so urgent and important! I really want you to know how very important it is.

Back to false prophets and teachers… 1 Timothy 4:11-13 is a great passage. I’m just going to use v13 which reads, “Until I get there, focus on reading the Scriptures to the church, encouraging the believers, and teaching them.”

Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joints and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.”

The last point is the armor of God. The Bible is the only source of weaponry Christians have in our spiritual walk with God. We don’t have arrows, we don’t have maces, or MACE… we have all of our spiritual armor like faith and peace, salvation, etc. The Bible is the only way we can fight against the tactics of the spiritual warfare going on around us. It is very important that we stay in the word. So that we know the Truth.

This is the last verse I’m going to share with you today. I hope that I haven’t bombarded you and I hope that you know that this is all from love. I, in no way, want you to feel like I’m judging you, or throwing this down your throat. I just feel that it’s very important that you know reasons why it’s important to read your Bible… I know it’s all well and good to listen to audio biographies and such, but it doesn’t replace the Bible and getting to know God through the Word or provide easy ways out, or excuses… The last verse is 2 Timothy 3:16, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.” If you don’t get any other verse, please get that one. I’m going to continue to pray for you, that God shows up, that He refreshes you, that He allows you to have time for Him, and He helps you to finish your schooling without feeling drained. God gives us new strength! Resting in Him is the first step!

I love you, sister! I hope this is refreshing and not tideous.

Jill

 In my noted scriptures, I used New Living Translation, because that's what makes the Word come alive to me. I've noted all scriptures that I used so that you can read it in whatever translation makes your heart understand.

His mercies are new every morning

Last year we took a scouting trip to Seattle, Washington, to see how we liked it and to see if maybe God was leading us to that city. We anticipated every moment of the two weeks we were going to be visiting. What were we going to do? see? Who were we going to try to impact? Where would we serve? Unending questions loaded our minds, or mine, at least.

We encountered a few of what we believed were angels in disguise. We gave what we could to some. We ached at the end of our journey because we didn't know when we'd be back. We tried many times to make our way back to the Northwest and God simply said, "not yet." We believed that God gave us a love for the Emerald City and we knew we were coming back. What we didn't know was how or when. We didn't want to give up on our attempts to go, but we decided to wait, since that was what God was saying.

 After the hype of God saying that we were finally going to go back to Washington, I started planning a little bit. I didn't want to do too much that would prevent God from working His wonders. We talked to our pastor about what we felt God was saying to us and he prayed with us in agreement to what we were called to. We left with excitement and peace about the prospect of moving. 

There was uncertainty about everything: where we were going to stay, our money situation, our vehicle, our furniture. We just had to tell everyone who asked about jobs and housing that we didn't know. Talk about faith. We knew that it sounded like God wasn't leading us with no housing and jobs in place. I definitely started doubting when we were asked, "so... where are you going to stay?" Maybe God isn't leading us to move... Wouldn't he be providing that? The fears were a lot to handle, but leaving it in God's hands and knowing eventually, he would provide what we needed was all I could do. I prayed a lot. Every time I'd get butterflies from thinking about going to Seattle, I'd pray.

I can't say how many times I verbalized my uncertainty to God about His bringing us to Washington. "God, you said that you were going to be bringing us to Seattle, so I trust you, but I don't see how." When I'd get overcome with doubt, I'd remind myself that God is the Creator of the Universe, God of the impossible. I'd ask God to take away my anxiety and ask Him to have my guardian angel next to me to ease my doubt. 

Eventually, things started lining up. We had a prospective place to stay. We started fixing the 2003 PT Cruiser to drive across the country. We let people know that we were going to sell some of our stuff since we weren't going to be taking a lot of things with us. Things were coming together in an unexplainable way.

The day before we were scheduled to leave, we start the transaction of selling my 2006 PT Cruiser to my brother, who'd been paying the car notes on it since May. We couldn't find any way around driving to New Iberia to get the title for the pay off. We have a new radiator, new horn, new tire, new fan... we start the trek to Bank to get the title... and right outside of Opelousas, the car severely overheats to the point of the temperature light coming on... I pulled the car over and we sit for about 45 minutes. We eventually get to the mechanic. Both of us are going through the possibility of what it could be. 9am, the phone rings as we are sitting in a booth at McDonalds down the street. The pressure test was indicating that it could be a cracked head or a busted head gasket, but there's no way to tell unless the head is taken off... Great. So, the car isn't going to make it to Washington. What on earth do we do now? 

God promised that we were going to be in Seattle in April. I got so mad that I told God that it was HIS problem! He promised to get us there, He had to provide a way! Little did we know, that this was one more way that God wanted us to trust in Him and not in ourselves. 

After getting the stupid piece of paper for the sale of the car, we started looking to see what the prices were of rentals. We had enough money to get the car. We didn't have a credit card or debit card because we just closed out checking account. My mom agreed to have her credit card on file so that we could complete the reservation. When we dropped off the car, we would pay in cash and she wouldn't have to pay. Well, God blessed us through her as she offered to pay for the car when we dropped it off. Amazing. We were totally blown away at how things just happened!

So, when we started looking for a place, we eventually just asked "do you accept pets" because it's scarce. We ended up going to stay with the same guy we stayed with as we scouted. We are currently looking for a new apartment for us that accepts pets and for jobs. People are coming out of the wood works to help us! People at our new church, Downtown Cornerstone Church are blown away at God's provision for us and God's guidance. It truly is an amazing story that I will want to share with anyone who asks.

When I'm in doubt, now, I just remember that God has brought us this far and provided for every single need... why wouldn't he do it again? God is true to His word. He doesn't lie. He wanted us here so I'm just going to trust that He's going to provide for us. He's been keeping us on our toes, but I think He likes it that way.

I titled this entry as "His mercies are new every morning" not only because of the scripture, but every day for the past few months, I can see how He's been so merciful and gracious to us by forgiving our blunders and helping us see past our humanness.

We may not have jobs, and we may not know what the next month holds, but we definitely are trusting that God is going to keep providing for us while we're here. As always, I want to thank you for reading and praying for us in our trip from everything we know to the spiritual wilderness that is Seattle. Pray for the city because I know that God is going to be doing mighty things here. He's called so many people from across the United States to help with this church plant. God can do it. He can turn this city around! I'm so blessed and humbled that we are going to be a part of it.

Again, thank you!

busy, bsy, bs...

Sorry that I haven't written anything in a while... I have been busy, and moving is totally taking it's toll. It's been so crazy with trying to find a place to start with moving. What do we need to pack now, what should we pack later... where do we put the garage sale stuff... things like that.

Anyway... I need to start for the day... so, alas... I'm off to get overwhelmed by the cornucopia that is the garage apartments. 

Pray for me and Chase!!!

Thanks for reading.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togevah today.

Marriage is on my mind. This morning, I'm wondering why some marriages just don't last. I'm not saying that I think all marriages are ending because of adultery... That should be the only reason why marriages don't last. I'm not trying to get any information about any particular relationships, because frankly, it's not my business. But it would be a shame if people just felt like they "fell out of love." As I've stated in a previous entry, I don't think marriage should be taken lightly. It's a life-long contract between a man and a woman that signifies their never-ending love for each other. Life-long, never-ending contract... a covenant.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that if you want out, you need to go cheat on your spouse. Don't do that! That merits counsel. But maybe courting needs to be reintroduced to couples considering marriage. Maybe all couples should consider premarital counseling. It certainly is an eye-opener.

Marriages shouldn't be like dating for adults. It's not something that you agree to to have sex, then, when the sex gets old, you get a divorce. It's not something that you end after 3 years because the newness wears off. It's not something that you threaten to end because you get in an argument and are never able to see eye-to-eye. Marriage isn't a feeling. Marriage isn't just living together. Marriage is sacred.

Marriage is a puzzle. Sometimes we see the picture on the box. Sometimes we think we can put the puzzle together without the guide. Sometimes we get the frame or outer edge of it, but we're completely lost without assistance. We don't know where the pieces go. Marriage is so like that. We need help after a little while. Someone may be able to give you a pair of fresh eyes to look at something and then, you see things in ways you didn't know you could before. Let's say that marriage is the puzzle you purchase from Big Name Store that has a strict return policy. You open the box and assemble all of the puzzle except for one piece... it's missing... It can't be returned because the box is open. Does that mean the puzzle is worthless? Heck no!!! It's beautiful and it paints the picture of what our marriages are. They're missing something. Most of the time, it's God. Some of the time, it's communication. And sometimes, it's love (unfortunately) or affection. 

I urge you, please take time to analyze your marriage or relationship and see if there's a piece missing. Don't just try to return it to the store if one piece is missing. Try to see the beauty of the puzzle and figure out what's missing in the midst. 

God doesn't throw anything away. We shouldn't either. Especially our marriages. Sometimes, it's not the right time. Sometimes, it's not the right person. And sometimes still, just not the right reasons. God can make beautiful what we've made ugly. He can transform our incomplete puzzles into beautiful tapestries. 

Please don't try to do it on your own. Ask for help. Even if you don't know the words to say, God knows the words in your heart. All you have to do is ask for help.