another sleepless night

Not too many people know the story of my oldest brother. I want to give a little background of what's happened in my brother's family the last year without going into too much detail. It's a necessary part of why I'm blogging, today. My brother's wife, well, essentially ex-wife, now, wanted to take a "discovery" trip to Bangladesh to experience life in a 3rd world country. She thought it was a good idea to bring the two kiddos with her so that they could experience it, as well. She said that she wanted them to know that not everywhere in the world isn't as rich as we are. My brother was very reluctant to let her bring a then 2 and 4 or 5 year old with her. He did eventually give in. She initially planned on staying about a month. When her trip was coming to a close, she asked if it was okay that she stay longer and take on a job with the Canadian Embassy. He said no, and to come home. Long, very long story short, she went against his wishes and stayed with the kids. I'm leaving out some details that aren't very flattering because I still want everyone's integrity in tact. After months and months of phone calls and demanding return or visitation, my brother plead his case with a lawyer and they said that international child abduction had taken place. With secretive information, my brother went to Bangladesh and retrieved the children and brought them safely back to Canada.

And there was much rejoicing in the land.

Fast forward from November to now. My brother's work visa has expired and even though he has applied for permanent residency, he hasn't been granted residency yet. He was informed that at the end of the month, he has to return to the US and wait for the application process to continue. It's good news for my family who have greedily wanted to hug and hold those kiddos for years. So, a drive is commencing the 30th of July and they'll be on their way back to the boot state. Great news.

The not so great stuff and the reason why I'm so distraught, my brother's ex-wife has decided to finally leave Bangladesh after a year and a half, roughly. She is back in Louisiana and will seek out the kids. I'm so torn up over it that I couldn't sleep last night. Chase and I may be moving in with my brother's family so that they will have a more stable home-life as soon as possible. And I'm so freakin' excited to be able to bond and love on my precious niece and nephew!! What I'm not excited about is the inevitable visit that will take place some day (I fear it will be very soon). I'm afraid to leave her in the same room with the kids, even for a bathroom break. I'm afraid that I will hit her and tell her what I think about her thoughtlessness and her endangerment of her own children (motherhood definitely lends a different way of thinking to women, ie: safety of children, awareness, an all-around fondness for children and their well-being).

Since I've begun to think about what a house of three kids would look like, I've started to dream of fun trips and bonding experiences with the three of them (Jack makes three). I've also thought about what it looks like to have everyone sitting in a living area and playing warden, making sure that my family is safe. I have no idea what I'm going to do or how I'm going to react. I'm so worried that I'm going to say something that is not edifying to her or make her seem like a monster in front of her offspring. I've dreamed about telling her that I love her (which isn't at the top of my list of things I want to convey), but is it true? Do I love her? Definitely not who she's become in the last year and a half. I pray for myself, that I will let it go, I pray for her and her salvation, but mostly, I keep asking God to help me and change my heart. I know forgiving doesn't mean that I'm not going to forget, or not hurt, or that it's going to be okay immediately. I know that it means just no acting on what she's done and the decisions she's made. How do I keep loving her, even after those affections are gone? How do I let God step in between my hatred (oh, boy, it doesn't feel good saying that...) and His creation? I don't know how to let something that seems so huge just dissipate.

Needless to say, I really need someone to step in and pray for me. I don't know the words to say, I don't know what to ask, I don't know how I need to react or what I need to/should say. I don't know how to keep it bottled inside or how I need to vent. I don't know what I'm going to do when I do see her.

And as for now, my mind has emptied and I can't think anymore. I have no idea. I feel so defeated because I don't have a resolution. Please pray for me. Thanks.

job, no job, what to do? I'm scared.

Since being back in Louisiana, we have been struggling to stay afoot. I took a part time job at Bath and Body Works as a shift manager, which was good for the first month or two. The third month got rough. I don't know if it was my performance, or being away from Jack for 30-40 hours a week, or that my boss wasn't a good boss, but the district manager kept saying, "you have a talent issue." I don't know if the DM was referring to me, the other shift manager, or the store manager. The store manager kept blaming the condition of the store on me. I did everything that I was asked to do. The only thing that struggled was my sales. I knew taking the job that sales wasn't my forte. I have, however, worked in retail for the past 9-10 years of my professional life. I felt that it didn't matter and that I could do the job. So, regardless of my ability to perform, or if the "talent issue" was me or not, I felt like I was forced to resign or I would get fired. I chose the former. I wrote a very cordial letter of resignation and my coworkers said that I was too kind in my letter. I am now a stay-at-home mom and it's my 5th day on the job. It's been nice being able to be with Jack for most of the day while Chase chugs away looking for a job.

He had an interview this morning at 11am. He said it went well, but he'd have to wait until late next week to find out if he got the job or not. So, now, we are playing the waiting game. I'm not good at that. Especially since we have one half of a paycheck coming in next week. Money is on the low side, has been for a long while. We are constantly reminding ourselves that it took us 6 months to get our feet on the ground and it's right around that time. We know God is taking care of us, through my parents, but at the same time, we don't want to rely on their providence in place of God's.

Sitting down to put my thoughts into words is the only thing that can keep me sane right now. I don't know what to do to help the situation. I know that the smart thing would've been to continue to work until Chase found a job, but taking advice from my husband and my mom and my coworkers to go ahead and cut my ties made my decision easier. I remember standing in the living room at my mom's house and telling her that I didn't have faith big enough to quit my job before Chase had a job of his own. My mom said, "uh, Jill, do I need to remind you that you moved to and from Seattle with no jobs lined up?"She was right. My faith was not an issue, regardless what I thought. It took more faith to quit my job than to stay there and drag by with no fulfillment. On the other side of the coin, I didn't want to say, "God will take care of me," and just go home. In the meantime, God is showing me that He is taking care of us and keeping us from need.

My emotions are on such a roller coaster ride, lately. It's so hard just trusting the LORD. I feel like I'm saying that I'm trusting Jesus with my life, but on the inside, my heart is so fearful that we aren't going to make it to the next paycheck. It's amplified since I've had Jack. It seems like there's so much more need to have filled than there was with Chase, Klaus, and myself. I don't doubt God's ability to take care of us, or that God isn't bigger than our need. Maybe I just need to pray for God to remove my doubt, fear, and insecurities.

When Chase and I made a decision to move to Seattle, I was still working at the credit union. I had a piece of paper that I wrote the reasons why I didn't want to quit (since we thought it was going to be very soon after we visited Seattle that we were moving). After I wrote every insecurity I had on the paper, I took a red Sharpie pen and wrote over the paragraph in large, friendly letters: GOD IS BIGGER! He is bigger than every negative thought, every insecurity, every fear, every inability that I have, that my husband has, than our checkbook. We have an amazing Father who wants to be our provider and our comfort and our strength.

And lastly, I think that I want to read God Smuggler by Brother Andrew, again. It's an amazing book about God's providence and strength. On par with The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom.

coming home

A slew of things have happened since the last time I wrote on my blog. Chase and I found out we were pregnant in April, and I had a beautiful baby boy in October. He's an amazing little guy and he's teaching me a lot about God's love for me and my relationship with God.

Unfortunate events have caused me to lose my job instead of returning to work after Jack was born. Chase's job is still slowly chugging along... but the price of living is more than what we're making and our life in Seattle is over, for now. We are going to be moving on January 31st. It's been odd how what seems like overnight, we've felt the need to go back home. We have a goal, which is to get out of debt and we really want it to be this year. It becomes so much more real when you've got someone who depends on you besides a dog. We don't want Jack to know what it's like to come home with no lights on because there was no money to pay the electric bill. We definitely don't want him to know what it's like to not be able to do something that he wants because of cost.

So, we've prayed about the move and feel like it's the best for us. We'll have plenty of support at home with family and friends.

Louisiana, I hate to say this, but we've kinda missed you.

tough day.

it's been a pretty stinkin' emotional day. i lost my best guy friend besides my husband, today. i'm just hurting. i can't concentrate on my work and i just want to cry.

this sucks.

Ooh, jealousy...

I try not to let alot of things get to me. I try to let things roll off of my back. Last night, however, I had a friend tell me that his wife felt like I had a crush on him because I liked status updates and pictures on facebook and instagram. Really? Wow. First off: no... Secondly, we went to elementary school together. Thirdly, he's married. Lastly, he wears camo, so that's a definite deal breaker! Besides, I don't know if the wife knows this, but I was married LONG before I started being friends with this guy. I'm in love with my husband and I don't want to be with anyone else but him. He has my heart and I promise myself every day that I'm going to forsake all other men and cling to my husband. And the cherry on top is that I live across the country!

Now, I've been the innocent friend and I've also been the jealous girlfriend. I know how jealousy can drive a wedge between everyone involved. Me being an innocent party in this, and not doing anything wrong makes me infuriated. I'm being blamed for something that I didn't do/wasn't my fault.

I was invited to my guy friend's house for coffee and a Bible study... and I assumed that he told his wife about it. I get there, and we sit down to open the Bible and his wife calls on the phone. He proceeds to tell her that I'm there and she gets mad because she wasn't told before that I would be there. So, I'm blamed for that. And now, I comment, and like pictures of him with kids, and mostly of him and his wife. But still I'm blamed that I have a crush on him.

I don't think I'd ask to be friends with his wife if I had a thing for her husband. I wouldn't like pictures of husband and wife kissing and cuddling if I had a crush on the husband. I wouldn't pray that the wife would get pregnant or find a great job if I had a crush on the husband. I wouldn't respect the wife if I had feelings for her husband.

I hate that I'm blamed for something that I didn't do or that wasn't my fault in the first place. I'm very content with my husband and I don't want anyone else! I wouldn't have married my husband if I did want to be with someone else.

As of right now, I'm so pissed off that I can't pray for her because I feel like I'd be saying, "God, change her feelings. Change her heart. Let her see that I'm not trying to break up her family. Let her know I'm not into her husband." So, I'd need to pray for myself for what? For me to understand how she feels? because I definitely don't want to go back to those dark thoughts. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

I made a really great friend and he says I can still be his friend, but I know how her mind works. If I send text messages, like a picture of the both of them, or like a status update or anything, she's going to think I'm after her husband. I can't even unfriend his wife, because that will raise suspicion. He said that I can like something every once in a while. But to her, it's still going to seem that I'm a home wrecker. So, I'd have to screen what I like and what I don't like. So, if I like something, I can't just comment, or like. I have to filter what I do. I'd rather just not deal with that at all. Too much drama. I was that girl.

It's awful being that innocent friend. You're blamed for everything you do. Your friendship is investigated. I thought that because I was happily married and he was happily married, that I didn't have to worry about jealousy, especially since I live more than 2000 miles away! I guess that's not the case, or I just forgot what it's like to be the jealous girl. So, reader, pray for her... and for me. Because I simply can't pray for something I want so strongly for her. I will feel very hypocritical praying for her to realize that I don't want to take her happiness away. It wasn't my fault.

Sugar and Other Disasters

So, trying to manage Chase's sugar levels has been a beast. Yesterday was a bad day in that regard. He was down all day... probably because Saturday night we ate alot of sweets at the Doctor Who Season Seven Premier Party. Chocolate Daleks, Fish Fingers and Custard and Banoffee Pie, OH MY! So, he had sugar overload. And Sunday the wrath came. 

I'm always wanting to get away from him when he's crashing. It's very hard to keep my patience and cool when he's struggling. I keep my mouth closed for the most part and I restrain from punching him in the face. Even if I punched him as hard as I could, it wouldn't hurt him... And that would just annoy me.

He accompanied me to the store to do some shopping and I kept my mouth shut when he made snide and rude remarks. He was constantly negative and I didn't want to encourage him to continue by telling him to stop, or to tell him how annoying it was. He told me that when he gets like that, he doesn't care about anyone, or anything but himself. And on our way home, I saw that. He started raising his voice at me while we were waiting for the bus. At that moment, I looked across the street to see a lady walking by and I was afraid she was going to look over and see Chase yelling at me. I am an advocate against abuse. I don't like to see a woman being degraded by an abusive man. And for just a moment, I felt like the degraded woman. I was afraid that people were going to pass by and wonder if I was okay and safe. Then, I'd have to make an excuse for Chase... I hate it when women have to make excuses for the men they're with. I had enough and finally told him that I didn't want him to take his anger and frustration out on me. He started coming around after that.

He did have human moments where I was pleased to be in his company. My biggest problem is that when he's on a sugar crash like that, I get sad and upset that there's nothing I can do to help him. It's hard seeing the person you love suffer and not being able to just kiss it away.

As a wife, I feel like it's my duty to help Chase in every circumstance that he faces. And I feel unaccomplished and useless on days like yesterday. It's an ugly situation... but it doesn't happen alot... That, I am very thankful for. 

I, in no way, want anyone to think differently of my husband. He loves me very much, and would never do anything on purpose to hurt me emotionally or physically. As it was explained to me, it's just a chemical change that happens... like a detox... or just circumstances of the body not having as much sugar as it had previously. I try to remember that it's not necessarily directed at me. I'm just the one that's around him the most, so I see the majority of it.

So, in the frustration of a wife with no power to take the bad away, all I can do is try not to take it personally, which is hard. I have to remember that no matter what he says, no matter how bad he feels, it's not directed at me. I need to have extra forgiveness and grace... and mercy to him. 

This is the sickness part of the vows. I will love him... always.

Agree to disagree

I've been neglecting the blogging scene... So caught up in social networking, life, and such, I guess I forgot about it. Well, I hate to jump on a bandwagon of marriage rights, so I'm just not going to say anything about it (but I am)... I've asked for prayer on the matter because it's difficult not to feel that I should defend myself... There are so many different opinions out there that if I say anything about what I believe, I'll get bashed one way, or another.

The only thing that I will say, is regardless of people's opinions, I want to treat everyone equally. I want to respect everyone equally. So, I've chosen to keep my thoughts to myself. 

The problem, though is that this topic is driving people against each other. Families against each other, friends against each other. Boycotts, slander, and the like... I say, don't let it drive a wedge between you and your friends and loved ones. Agree to disagree. And if the need to bring up the conversation arises, be careful. We all should take into consideration how the other person will be affected. Sometimes it's better to just swallow your pride and let it go. Who cares what you or I think? If they disagree with your opinion, what does it matter? Do you still love that person enough to keep them in your family? Or to be their friend? Then let it go!

Stay humble, people. We're imperfect and finite. Radiate love to those who disagree: it speaks more than the words spouting from your mouth.