8/17/15

There are days we will remember for the rest of our lives. These days include your first kiss, graduation, meeting the one who holds your heart, becoming engaged, getting married, finding out your pregnant with your first child, holding your baby for the first time, hearing of a loved one's passing from this life to the next, and hearing your mom tell you that she has cancer.

As those words came from her mouth, I was so filled with confusion I almost started laughing and asked if she was serious. I searched her face to give me some inclination that there was jest in her statement. The expression was flat and scared. "When did you find out?"
"This morning, the doctor called and told me." She suspected... and perhaps she knew all along. She was bleeding for several, several months. She started saying things like, "Jill, what if it's cancer?" Mama is smart... she knows more than I give her credit for... I, being a little more laid back would say, "Mama, it's not cancer... even if it is, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it." I thought back to all those times I told her it wasn't and encouraged her to bring it up to Dr. Milder, her primary doctor. I don't know that she ever did.

I asked about the type, which I assumed was uterine (and it was), what stage, what options we had to combat the cancer. Not many questions had answers, but it was only the day of the diagnosis. We still don't know what stage. We won't really know anything more until after tomorrow when they take out her lady bits. It's gonna be a long day of waiting and silence.

She walked in the living room and sat on the couch. She said, "I'm not afraid of this cancer. I'm not afraid of dying. I've lived a good, long life, and I know where I'm going." At this point her voice started to break and tears welled up in her eyes as she said she would be with her sister. Her fears fell to telling Daddy and how it would happen. She's always said that he can't be alone, swiftly followed by the obligatory "don't be mad at Daddy if he gets remarried." Sigh... MOM!

That day two and a half weeks ago, I came to the realization that Mama lost her mama when she was my age and had a baby (me) no bigger than Jack. It wasn't from cancer, but I started thinking, Mama lost Nana when she was my age, and I may just lose my mama soon. I didn't know my grandmother on my mother's side of the family.

I waited until the following day to tell my friends about it. Wanted the diagnosis day to be just for my family. It was hard finding out. The words didn't seem surreal, and that's what I expected. I expected to feel a little light headed and when I didn't feel that, I thought to myself, "oh, my God, this is real life."

By Wednesday, two days after diagnosis, I decided that I had to trust that God knew what He was doing, the doctors will know what they are doing, and that medicine will do what it's meant to do. Even if it didn't, the modern miracles of medicine are far better than they were 30 years ago when Nana passed away. Of course I had those, "please God, don't let my mama die" prayers. Totally selfish. Totally.

I had to get back to "normal" as soon as possible, I told myself. So I stopped moping. I had/have a good support group in my family, circle of friends that I've had for [a] decade(s), and new friendships that have formed through social media. Several of which have relatives that were diagnosed with and beat cancer. The right people are in my life to keep my head on straight and give me hope.

I think because my mom handled the news so well, I did, too. I was so distraught that Monday. My world turned upside down. I didn't want to be with Jack, I didn't want to eat. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry. We always think of our parents as invincible. We never want to think of the day when they won't be just a phone call away or a walk through the yard in my case. She's my best friend and absolutely irreplaceable. We pray for the best tomorrow. They take away an unwelcome part of my mother and we'll find out more 'tails (cred to Tom Haverford). So if the cancer has spread to more than just her uterus, then radiation therapy will begin. Otherwise, she's just going to have the surgery. I trust that this is a pretty routine procedure and that I won't have to worry too much.

Thanks for reading this little bit of my life. Don't feel sorry for us. Please pray for the doctors, pray for my mom, dad, and my brothers and me. And if anyone wants to stop by Cabrini Hospital tomorrow, I'm sure Dad and I wouldn't be too terribly upset!

peace and quiet

I was hoping to get some peace and quiet this afternoon and possibly a nap. I've got the apartment all to myself so I decided that I'd put my head on a comfy pillow and try to catch some zzz's. My mind starts racing with thoughts that I'd much rather leave alone. Instead of resting, I'm doubting myself, my relationships with my friends, my worth, all kinds of stuff that I shouldn't even be doubting or stressing over. My mind sometimes brings me to dark places I tend to forget are there. My self worth seems to be the star of the show, but not some grand and glorious show. It seems to be more of a roast of sorts. My self worth is put on display with every ugly thing there is in it laid bare.

In my last post, I mentioned that I shouldn't find my identity in any of the ideas that I have parading around in my mind now. I can't say that I've got it perfectly figured out. I can't say that I am cured. When I'm in the moment, I honestly don't know how to pull myself from those negative thoughts. I don't know how to turn myself around and think those positive thoughts. I keep thinking, "what do I do now?"

Continue to pray for me. I'm a broken woman. Sometimes I feel so useless and wasted. Today is one of those days. As a friend of mine told me once when I was feeling like this: Father God is still good. He wants to give His children good things. Jesus died on the cross. So, what does that say about you?

on becoming 30

On 15 January, I turned 30. Usually, I hear of women who face emotional distress when they reach their 30th birthday. I didn't feel any different than I had turning 24, 26, 28, or 29. They were all just a number to me. A week before my birthday, I started thinking about what I imagined my life to look like by the time I was 30. Imagining I was still living in Seattle with my husband and working for the same roofing business where I would have still been employed. I'd be a fit, a young mom, hopefully renting a house with enough room for a three-member family with a dog. What have I got to show for myself and my goals? I'm back in the cramped little apartment that Chase and I were in before we moved, and we had absolutely no intention of ever moving back to Louisiana. Being let go ten days before my 29th birthday and feeling that there was no other option but to come back to Louisiana. We have struggled to survive the entire year since we've been back. We've been clinging so tightly to what we have that everything seems to slip right out of our clinching white fists. My journey to fitness came to an abrupt end when we moved away from the city life. There's nowhere to feel safe and walk in this rundown town. And the only option is to drive everywhere, since the nearest decent grocery store is 15 miles away.

I've always been a dreamer. I never dreamed I'd be stuck in a rut with a dependent and a fur-child. Sharing my frustration with anyone seemed so childish that I've kept it inside. I don't want to share my insecurities because I don't want to seem like I'm so needy. I want to be independent and I want to be able to love my family well. I don't want it to seem like I've got regret hanging over my head. The problem is, it's all there. It haunts me when I'm left to my own devices. Thinking about what I had planned so many years ago makes me feel like I've absolutely missed every goal I had set.

I have been reminding myself continuously that I am not a failure. I didn't end up in Louisiana because Chase and I failed at something. I'm not a stay at home mom because I failed in the retail/business world. I'm not unhealthy. I'm not drowning. I'm not a failure. I have, in no way, let anyone down. Plans change. I have to remember that what I do or don't do at 30 isn't a direct reflection of my success in life, love, or finance. What it is a reflection of is my trust that I am where I'm supposed to be: that God is who He says He is, that I am who God says I am, and that I trust His will and direction for my life. Nothing is a mistake. I may not understand why things happened the way they have happened in the last year, but I definitely trust that I am loved, treasured, and fearfully and wonderfully made. I take God's breath away.

So, reader, please don't look at getting older and steering away from your plans for your life as a disappointment or failure. Look at it as God's way of pointing you in the direction He wants you to go. Just ask what He has you do, and follow His lead. In Psalms, He tells us, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you." In Proverbs, "Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."

Thanks for reading, and thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Jill

Jack's birth story, a year later. (Caution, there is some graphic stuff, here...)

Giving birth is supposed to be a wonderful experience for moms. And then, there are moms of premature babies. Last week, I started to get depressed because I realized that my son will soon be a year old, which means that a year or so ago, I was admitted into the hospital because my membranes ruptured early. It was a nightmare for this first-time-mom. Apparently, it still is, since I am anxious thinking about it a year later.

On October 4th, 2013, I worked my last day of work.After my day was over, I talked to the owner of The Jorve Corporation, who was my boss. He is such a great guy. He says whatever is on his mind, which I love. So, this afternoon was no different. He looked at me and said, "Damnit, Jill... You need to hurry up and have this baby because I need you back at work." We all laughed, but I knew it would throw the company in a frenzy when I was on maternity leave. Ted's humor was another reason why I loved working for him. I had noticed that when I was laughing that I had a little leaking. I thought it was just that I may have needed to go to the bathroom. I happened again standing up on the light rail and the bus on my way home. But since it was just a little bit, I didn't think of it, much. I went shopping the next day and didn't notice much leaking at all, so I didn't have a reason to think that it wasn't anything but losing my bladder. Sunday morning (October 6th) we got up like normal and started getting ready for church. Well, as I was walking Klaus, I noticed an alarming amount of leaking. I was so worried that when I called the after hours help line, I started crying while I was explaining the situation to the nurse on the phone. I just reached 33 weeks gestation and potentially had my water break. I was advised to go to the hospital and not eat or drink anything. Klaus knew something was wrong. He looked so worried when Chase walked out the door. 

The entire ride to the hospital was silent. Chase and I were pretty worried. I walked in the hospital and was immediately admitted into triage. My midwife just so happened to come in as I was being admitted and came in to check on me. She took some of the fluid on a slide and determined that it was amniotic fluid that was leaking. My water sack had broken. She reassured Chase and me that it was okay and most likely, Jack would be safe, but I would have to stay at the hospital until I was 34 weeks gestation before we induced for delivery, but we didn't have to have an emergency C-section. So much for greeting at church that day... We had to get in touch with Daniel, who was our ministry lead when we greeted on Sundays. Chase messaged him and let him know that there was an emergency and we weren't able to make it to church. 

I couldn't believe that Jack was about ready to come into this world... Our community group leader just told us that we needed to get our bags ready for when I went into labor. My response was, "oh, we have plenty of time." Now, just 5 days later, I was being admitted into the hospital because my body was in labor.

The nurses were all so helpful and reassuring. One of our nurses that cared for me the day I was admitted was actually a preemie herself. She was also a twin. She said that she turned out okay, so she had no doubt that my little 33 weeker would be fine. No matter how much you hear it, there's still that worry that your baby will be the exception to the rule. I called my mom and told her that I was admitted into the hospital, but they said not to visit just yet, because I may not give birth for a week or so. 

When I was settled in, I called my work to let them know that I wasn't going to be able to come to work indefinitely. I asked my office manager if I needed to stop by and get any invoices to enter because, hey, I was sitting in the hospital for a week... with nothing to do... She said no, just rest. I also asked about having a job since I left work 7 weeks early and I needed the job. She told me not to worry about it. 

The week and a half between my admission and my delivery was such a blur. I don't remember what happened when, but I had a lot of checking on me, I had a lot of monitoring done, I had a lot of talks with the midwives and nurses. One that sticks out in my mind is one of my nurses came in and sat down next to Chase and me and said that I would probably be fine if I chose to go on my way and not deliver the baby until my due date. She said something along the lines of us being able to chose either (staying in the hospital until we induced or discharging from the hospital and waiting until I went into active labor), but she wasn't going to tell us which to chose. She said, "I just hope you make the right choice." Well, that sent us into a mass state of confusion. What were we supposed to do now? We knew from the extensive talks with midwives that we could wait until the 34 week mark, but actually going home and waiting it out? potentially being on bed rest until I delivered... Later, we spoke with one of the midwives that was caring for me and raised our concerns about what the nurse said. She listened like a friend, which was so meaningful for us. We were in a place of unfamiliarity and knew no one. Her sitting and listening to Chase and me talk about our concerns of returning home and not knowing what to do at all made it easier for us to make the decision to just wait the week and meet our son early.

I think Mom flew in on a Wednesday (like I said, it was all a blur). We waited and waited and waited for induction. I reached 34 weeks that Friday. We started induction that day. After the first dose of misoprostol, they decided to cease the induction because there were quite a few mothers in active labor that came into the hospital. Saturday went by, Sunday came and we decided to start again. Misoprostol was my induction medicine, again. I took one or two doses and one of my midwives got the okay to use Cervidil, which is inserted and helps the cervix ripen and open for delivery. After six hours, she took the cervidil out and started dilating my cervix manually. After that, it seemed like it was so fast. I can't remember if I was put on pitocin or not, but I remember the nurses trying to regulate my contractions... All I remember is almost a steady pain of contractions. They were strong and long. After 2 long hours of no pain medication, I tapped out and asked for an IV. It gave me very little relief. It took the steady pain away and the waves came and went. After an hour of sleeping a minute or two or five at a time, I decided to tap out again and I asked for the epidural. Oh, heaven... I should've asked for that in the first place. I wanted to try to do it naturally. That was my birth plan. My last resort had become my resort. It went so fast after that. My midwife said that I would probably have my son in my arms before noon. I didn't know about that... But I was hopeful and it sounded like a plan. I started pushing at 11:30am on October 14th. After my first big push, we stopped and I was able to feel my baby crowning. His little head of hair was imagined to be so dark, since my hair is dark brown. I sat up a little and pushed with all my might toward the light on the ceiling. The last push and delivery at 11:55am. I had my son in my arms at 11:55am. I forgot about all of the pain, all of the chaos and uncertainty of the past week. And just cried and greeted my son. I was so relieved to have him in my arms.

Little did I know, that between the admiration of my son, the first picture, and the clean up, I had bled out an alarming amount of blood. I'd become anemic during pregnancy, so that didn't help the issue. Apparently, there's an artery that runs behind the clitoris and I was bleeding out from there. Usually moms tear when they push and I prayed not to tear toward the back. I was the first time anyone in that hospital had torn up the front. My midwife finally stopped the bleeding by applying pressure and said that she wanted to make sure that we got everything in place to heal correctly. She said, "we definitely want to make sure that your clitoris is working properly. We know how important that is." In my hazy state, I thought it was one of the funniest things I'd heard all day. They only revealed later that the blood loss was very dangerous. I was elevated and bundled. I was so tired that I slept for 5 hours afterward. I was notably pale for almost a month.

(I took this picture a week and a half after Jack was born)

I only got to see my little peanut for 15 minutes. They had to take him to the special care nursery afterward. Plus 8 hours of me not seeing him, I was ready to go see my little dumpling. I don't remember what happened from 5-8, I may have gone back to sleep. I was very light headed and dizzy when we went to see him. He was bundled up and making these tiny little grunting sounds. He was so perfect. He looked like a little living doll. At that point, I tried to look presentable in my pictures that Chase took of my second time holding him, but I look so drunk. I didn't know that I was pale and lost so much blood. All I knew is that I was tired and weak.

As the following days progressed, I got mad at my body because I wasn't producing a lot of colostrum or milk. I'd see moms coming in with 5 or 6 tubes of milk for their babies and I was only bringing one or two. The nurses in the special care nursery kept telling me that what I was bringing was enough. I didn't want Jack to have formula. At. All. I thought it was gross. I wanted my baby to have the best of the best. And my body wasn't giving that. He couldn't latch, and I wasn't supplying like he needed. That was so depressing for me. Also comparing myself to other moms didn't help. A few days after Jack was born, he had to be put under the bili lights. He had jaundice. The morning that they put him under the lights, I cried. I was so upset. First, I had to wait a week to meet my son, then I didn't get to see him until 8 hours later (more/less). Then, I could only see him every three hours (because I still was so tired from the blood loss and slept a ton between feedings), and now, I could only hold him for 30 minutes every three hours. I had serious separation anxiety. The doctors and nurses used me as an example when they did their rounds that day. I told Chase that I was coming home and that I couldn't be a boarding mother for any longer. I needed to get away and get some rest. I was a wreck on the bus home from the hospital. I'm sure people thought that I was a battered woman.

I was overjoyed to see Klaus and Klaus was overjoyed to see me. He slept right by my side when I was at home. When I was awake, I thought about Jack. I was so emotional when I had to pump because I just didn't want to be at home. I wanted to be with my son. When I finally went back to the hospital, The nurses let me hold Jack as long as I wanted because they knew that we only had a limited amount of time to be with him. After a few days, his biliruben count was low enough that he didn't have to have the lights anymore. He still had to be in an isolette, however. He wasn't able to regulate his own body temperature yet.

As the week in the hospital turned into almost a month (even though I wasn't in the hospital for more than 2, it still felt like I was living there because of all of the time I was spending there in the nursery), We started asking when Jack would be able to come home. The nurses set the expectation of the due date by saying, "he may have to stay until the original due date, but we anticipate that it could be a lot sooner." He had to master suck, swallow, and breathe. Suckling the bottle and swallowing, while still maintaining his breathing pattern. The breathing was the hardest. We had to go a week without an event (making sure that his breathing didn't stop while he was eating and making sure that he could come back from it on his own).  Luckily, 25 days after he was born, Chase and I got to bring our little blessing home. It was a long, exhausting, confusing, emotional month of events in which we were not ready. One word can describe it all: chaos. It was such a chaotic month in our lives. We've come to a new normal since then and we've enjoyed life away from the hospital.

One thing is for sure: I will relive these moments the rest of my life. I don't wish this on anyone. Birthing a child should be a wonderful experience and not filled with doubt, fear, and insecurity. I am so thankful of the midwifery practice at Group Health and all of the nurses who cared for me and my son in the special care nursery. They made our chaos as tolerable as possible. I'm thankful for the well wishes from all of our family and friends and prayers as well.

This is not what I want to remember every year about the birth of my son, but I was told today by a dear friend of mine, "...In regards to depression as you come up on revisiting this time of year and all that you went through, i had a thought. Well, a couple. one, you might have a little emotional PTSD (yes I do, and am experiencing it as I type this). Just semantics but sometimes it helps to know that's what it is in regards to revisiting traumatic events (I can't even use the same fragrance deodorant anymore because it makes me experience axiety, actually). But my main point is maybe you can let those feelings drive you to pray for other women in those situations. And even perhaps visit a NICU and give some moms some prayer and encouragement. Maybe it would put a different spin on it that would help you to process and heal through it. You have a lot to offer ministry wise." Great thoughts. I'm so thankful for her and what she brings to my life. In addition, please keep me in your prayers this month, as my mind remembers the trauma of the month.

Thanks for reading.

Slow Fade

Tonight, I'm finding myself sitting in front of the laptop thinking about what it's been like the past few months. Thoughts whir around my head like mosquitoes around a tender baby. The thoughts are ever changing and always the same. Most of which concern marriage. I've stated in a past blog post that I think about my wedding every day. I have for the past 4 years.  I ponder what the breaking point is in a relationship that causes someone to want to end it. I wonder if it's the little things. I ask myself if it's the socks left on the floor or the coffee cups that don't get rinsed out. Is it his depression or her lack of empathy?

I wonder if one day 10 years, 13 years, 25 or 30 years down the line if I will choose to stop loving my husband. Soon after, when I think about using the word divorce, my mouth becomes tacky and dry, and my throat gets tight as if I'm trying to swallow an elephant whole. Just that tells me that I can't even fathom the thought of using anything that's happened in the past 7 years of my and Chase's relationship against him or getting tired of him and using some excuse like being tired of taking care of him, or bored, or "fallen out of love."

There's a reason why there's a cliche that says, "Love isn't a feeling, it's something that you do," or however it goes. I just think of that older country song with that line in the chorus. I've always said to Chase that I chose him. And it hit me again today that I had a pick of two (maybe three, but I'm not trying to toot my own horn, here...) guys. And the one that held the most attraction for me was the one I picked. The pursuer was the one I pursued. I was tired of being the one who chased guys. And once I let Chase know I was interested in him, I allowed him to be the one who made the decision of whether or not he wanted to be with me. Seven years later, we are married with a terrific son. These two guys, plus the fuzzy one in the kennel, are the reason why I wake up every morning. I can't imagine what my life would be like without them. I don't even want to!

There's a song by one of my favorite bands, Casting Crowns, called "Slow Fade." The chorus says, "It's a slow fade when you give yourself away, it's a slow fade when black and white turn to gray, thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid when you give yourself away. People never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade." I wonder, "what little acts have leant themselves to pulling me away from my husband and son and fur baby?" One step at a time doesn't seem so bad... not much at all... but looking back, how far have they brought me? How far has censoring my husband brought me? How far has being passive to his depression brought me? How far has me not washing the dishes brought me? How far has not keeping the house clean (because I stay at home, now, and it's one of my primary responsibilities) brought me? How far has the lack of intimacy brought me? And suddenly I feel like he's the one that's pulled away. It seems like enough to make me, or anyone, really, [to] seek affection elsewhere.

Feeling that he's the one that's being secretive or giving me the cold shoulder is crazy. I have found, however, that once I start doing and stop sitting around the house watching Netflix, I feel more loved. It's a little confusing, so I'd better explain myself. For the past 2 months, I've been watching my niece and nephew and totally neglecting my house and dishes and laundry. I had a huge pile of dishes on the counter and wasn't able to do any housework for that period of time. When my niece went to school last month and I was reduced to two kids, I decided that I may be able to bring my nephew over to my house, wash some dishes and tidy a bit. all of a sudden, I started feeling really loved. I knew that Chase was going to be grateful for what I was doing: removing cluttered boxes, washing clothes and folding them, and washing that mountain of dirty dishes. His language of love is acts of service. Mine, not so much... I started getting tired of seeing all of the boxes and clothes and dishes that I FINALLY just got up and started doing stuff. I anticipated the praise from my husband and started doing what needed to be done. And he said that I'd been working hard, he appreciated it, he felt loved and he loved me! It made me want to continue.

So, in closing, my answer to the slow fade is to love fearlessly and relentlessly.

another sleepless night

Not too many people know the story of my oldest brother. I want to give a little background of what's happened in my brother's family the last year without going into too much detail. It's a necessary part of why I'm blogging, today. My brother's wife, well, essentially ex-wife, now, wanted to take a "discovery" trip to Bangladesh to experience life in a 3rd world country. She thought it was a good idea to bring the two kiddos with her so that they could experience it, as well. She said that she wanted them to know that not everywhere in the world isn't as rich as we are. My brother was very reluctant to let her bring a then 2 and 4 or 5 year old with her. He did eventually give in. She initially planned on staying about a month. When her trip was coming to a close, she asked if it was okay that she stay longer and take on a job with the Canadian Embassy. He said no, and to come home. Long, very long story short, she went against his wishes and stayed with the kids. I'm leaving out some details that aren't very flattering because I still want everyone's integrity in tact. After months and months of phone calls and demanding return or visitation, my brother plead his case with a lawyer and they said that international child abduction had taken place. With secretive information, my brother went to Bangladesh and retrieved the children and brought them safely back to Canada.

And there was much rejoicing in the land.

Fast forward from November to now. My brother's work visa has expired and even though he has applied for permanent residency, he hasn't been granted residency yet. He was informed that at the end of the month, he has to return to the US and wait for the application process to continue. It's good news for my family who have greedily wanted to hug and hold those kiddos for years. So, a drive is commencing the 30th of July and they'll be on their way back to the boot state. Great news.

The not so great stuff and the reason why I'm so distraught, my brother's ex-wife has decided to finally leave Bangladesh after a year and a half, roughly. She is back in Louisiana and will seek out the kids. I'm so torn up over it that I couldn't sleep last night. Chase and I may be moving in with my brother's family so that they will have a more stable home-life as soon as possible. And I'm so freakin' excited to be able to bond and love on my precious niece and nephew!! What I'm not excited about is the inevitable visit that will take place some day (I fear it will be very soon). I'm afraid to leave her in the same room with the kids, even for a bathroom break. I'm afraid that I will hit her and tell her what I think about her thoughtlessness and her endangerment of her own children (motherhood definitely lends a different way of thinking to women, ie: safety of children, awareness, an all-around fondness for children and their well-being).

Since I've begun to think about what a house of three kids would look like, I've started to dream of fun trips and bonding experiences with the three of them (Jack makes three). I've also thought about what it looks like to have everyone sitting in a living area and playing warden, making sure that my family is safe. I have no idea what I'm going to do or how I'm going to react. I'm so worried that I'm going to say something that is not edifying to her or make her seem like a monster in front of her offspring. I've dreamed about telling her that I love her (which isn't at the top of my list of things I want to convey), but is it true? Do I love her? Definitely not who she's become in the last year and a half. I pray for myself, that I will let it go, I pray for her and her salvation, but mostly, I keep asking God to help me and change my heart. I know forgiving doesn't mean that I'm not going to forget, or not hurt, or that it's going to be okay immediately. I know that it means just no acting on what she's done and the decisions she's made. How do I keep loving her, even after those affections are gone? How do I let God step in between my hatred (oh, boy, it doesn't feel good saying that...) and His creation? I don't know how to let something that seems so huge just dissipate.

Needless to say, I really need someone to step in and pray for me. I don't know the words to say, I don't know what to ask, I don't know how I need to react or what I need to/should say. I don't know how to keep it bottled inside or how I need to vent. I don't know what I'm going to do when I do see her.

And as for now, my mind has emptied and I can't think anymore. I have no idea. I feel so defeated because I don't have a resolution. Please pray for me. Thanks.

job, no job, what to do? I'm scared.

Since being back in Louisiana, we have been struggling to stay afoot. I took a part time job at Bath and Body Works as a shift manager, which was good for the first month or two. The third month got rough. I don't know if it was my performance, or being away from Jack for 30-40 hours a week, or that my boss wasn't a good boss, but the district manager kept saying, "you have a talent issue." I don't know if the DM was referring to me, the other shift manager, or the store manager. The store manager kept blaming the condition of the store on me. I did everything that I was asked to do. The only thing that struggled was my sales. I knew taking the job that sales wasn't my forte. I have, however, worked in retail for the past 9-10 years of my professional life. I felt that it didn't matter and that I could do the job. So, regardless of my ability to perform, or if the "talent issue" was me or not, I felt like I was forced to resign or I would get fired. I chose the former. I wrote a very cordial letter of resignation and my coworkers said that I was too kind in my letter. I am now a stay-at-home mom and it's my 5th day on the job. It's been nice being able to be with Jack for most of the day while Chase chugs away looking for a job.

He had an interview this morning at 11am. He said it went well, but he'd have to wait until late next week to find out if he got the job or not. So, now, we are playing the waiting game. I'm not good at that. Especially since we have one half of a paycheck coming in next week. Money is on the low side, has been for a long while. We are constantly reminding ourselves that it took us 6 months to get our feet on the ground and it's right around that time. We know God is taking care of us, through my parents, but at the same time, we don't want to rely on their providence in place of God's.

Sitting down to put my thoughts into words is the only thing that can keep me sane right now. I don't know what to do to help the situation. I know that the smart thing would've been to continue to work until Chase found a job, but taking advice from my husband and my mom and my coworkers to go ahead and cut my ties made my decision easier. I remember standing in the living room at my mom's house and telling her that I didn't have faith big enough to quit my job before Chase had a job of his own. My mom said, "uh, Jill, do I need to remind you that you moved to and from Seattle with no jobs lined up?"She was right. My faith was not an issue, regardless what I thought. It took more faith to quit my job than to stay there and drag by with no fulfillment. On the other side of the coin, I didn't want to say, "God will take care of me," and just go home. In the meantime, God is showing me that He is taking care of us and keeping us from need.

My emotions are on such a roller coaster ride, lately. It's so hard just trusting the LORD. I feel like I'm saying that I'm trusting Jesus with my life, but on the inside, my heart is so fearful that we aren't going to make it to the next paycheck. It's amplified since I've had Jack. It seems like there's so much more need to have filled than there was with Chase, Klaus, and myself. I don't doubt God's ability to take care of us, or that God isn't bigger than our need. Maybe I just need to pray for God to remove my doubt, fear, and insecurities.

When Chase and I made a decision to move to Seattle, I was still working at the credit union. I had a piece of paper that I wrote the reasons why I didn't want to quit (since we thought it was going to be very soon after we visited Seattle that we were moving). After I wrote every insecurity I had on the paper, I took a red Sharpie pen and wrote over the paragraph in large, friendly letters: GOD IS BIGGER! He is bigger than every negative thought, every insecurity, every fear, every inability that I have, that my husband has, than our checkbook. We have an amazing Father who wants to be our provider and our comfort and our strength.

And lastly, I think that I want to read God Smuggler by Brother Andrew, again. It's an amazing book about God's providence and strength. On par with The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom.

coming home

A slew of things have happened since the last time I wrote on my blog. Chase and I found out we were pregnant in April, and I had a beautiful baby boy in October. He's an amazing little guy and he's teaching me a lot about God's love for me and my relationship with God.

Unfortunate events have caused me to lose my job instead of returning to work after Jack was born. Chase's job is still slowly chugging along... but the price of living is more than what we're making and our life in Seattle is over, for now. We are going to be moving on January 31st. It's been odd how what seems like overnight, we've felt the need to go back home. We have a goal, which is to get out of debt and we really want it to be this year. It becomes so much more real when you've got someone who depends on you besides a dog. We don't want Jack to know what it's like to come home with no lights on because there was no money to pay the electric bill. We definitely don't want him to know what it's like to not be able to do something that he wants because of cost.

So, we've prayed about the move and feel like it's the best for us. We'll have plenty of support at home with family and friends.

Louisiana, I hate to say this, but we've kinda missed you.

tough day.

it's been a pretty stinkin' emotional day. i lost my best guy friend besides my husband, today. i'm just hurting. i can't concentrate on my work and i just want to cry.

this sucks.

Ooh, jealousy...

I try not to let alot of things get to me. I try to let things roll off of my back. Last night, however, I had a friend tell me that his wife felt like I had a crush on him because I liked status updates and pictures on facebook and instagram. Really? Wow. First off: no... Secondly, we went to elementary school together. Thirdly, he's married. Lastly, he wears camo, so that's a definite deal breaker! Besides, I don't know if the wife knows this, but I was married LONG before I started being friends with this guy. I'm in love with my husband and I don't want to be with anyone else but him. He has my heart and I promise myself every day that I'm going to forsake all other men and cling to my husband. And the cherry on top is that I live across the country!

Now, I've been the innocent friend and I've also been the jealous girlfriend. I know how jealousy can drive a wedge between everyone involved. Me being an innocent party in this, and not doing anything wrong makes me infuriated. I'm being blamed for something that I didn't do/wasn't my fault.

I was invited to my guy friend's house for coffee and a Bible study... and I assumed that he told his wife about it. I get there, and we sit down to open the Bible and his wife calls on the phone. He proceeds to tell her that I'm there and she gets mad because she wasn't told before that I would be there. So, I'm blamed for that. And now, I comment, and like pictures of him with kids, and mostly of him and his wife. But still I'm blamed that I have a crush on him.

I don't think I'd ask to be friends with his wife if I had a thing for her husband. I wouldn't like pictures of husband and wife kissing and cuddling if I had a crush on the husband. I wouldn't pray that the wife would get pregnant or find a great job if I had a crush on the husband. I wouldn't respect the wife if I had feelings for her husband.

I hate that I'm blamed for something that I didn't do or that wasn't my fault in the first place. I'm very content with my husband and I don't want anyone else! I wouldn't have married my husband if I did want to be with someone else.

As of right now, I'm so pissed off that I can't pray for her because I feel like I'd be saying, "God, change her feelings. Change her heart. Let her see that I'm not trying to break up her family. Let her know I'm not into her husband." So, I'd need to pray for myself for what? For me to understand how she feels? because I definitely don't want to go back to those dark thoughts. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

I made a really great friend and he says I can still be his friend, but I know how her mind works. If I send text messages, like a picture of the both of them, or like a status update or anything, she's going to think I'm after her husband. I can't even unfriend his wife, because that will raise suspicion. He said that I can like something every once in a while. But to her, it's still going to seem that I'm a home wrecker. So, I'd have to screen what I like and what I don't like. So, if I like something, I can't just comment, or like. I have to filter what I do. I'd rather just not deal with that at all. Too much drama. I was that girl.

It's awful being that innocent friend. You're blamed for everything you do. Your friendship is investigated. I thought that because I was happily married and he was happily married, that I didn't have to worry about jealousy, especially since I live more than 2000 miles away! I guess that's not the case, or I just forgot what it's like to be the jealous girl. So, reader, pray for her... and for me. Because I simply can't pray for something I want so strongly for her. I will feel very hypocritical praying for her to realize that I don't want to take her happiness away. It wasn't my fault.

Sugar and Other Disasters

So, trying to manage Chase's sugar levels has been a beast. Yesterday was a bad day in that regard. He was down all day... probably because Saturday night we ate alot of sweets at the Doctor Who Season Seven Premier Party. Chocolate Daleks, Fish Fingers and Custard and Banoffee Pie, OH MY! So, he had sugar overload. And Sunday the wrath came. 

I'm always wanting to get away from him when he's crashing. It's very hard to keep my patience and cool when he's struggling. I keep my mouth closed for the most part and I restrain from punching him in the face. Even if I punched him as hard as I could, it wouldn't hurt him... And that would just annoy me.

He accompanied me to the store to do some shopping and I kept my mouth shut when he made snide and rude remarks. He was constantly negative and I didn't want to encourage him to continue by telling him to stop, or to tell him how annoying it was. He told me that when he gets like that, he doesn't care about anyone, or anything but himself. And on our way home, I saw that. He started raising his voice at me while we were waiting for the bus. At that moment, I looked across the street to see a lady walking by and I was afraid she was going to look over and see Chase yelling at me. I am an advocate against abuse. I don't like to see a woman being degraded by an abusive man. And for just a moment, I felt like the degraded woman. I was afraid that people were going to pass by and wonder if I was okay and safe. Then, I'd have to make an excuse for Chase... I hate it when women have to make excuses for the men they're with. I had enough and finally told him that I didn't want him to take his anger and frustration out on me. He started coming around after that.

He did have human moments where I was pleased to be in his company. My biggest problem is that when he's on a sugar crash like that, I get sad and upset that there's nothing I can do to help him. It's hard seeing the person you love suffer and not being able to just kiss it away.

As a wife, I feel like it's my duty to help Chase in every circumstance that he faces. And I feel unaccomplished and useless on days like yesterday. It's an ugly situation... but it doesn't happen alot... That, I am very thankful for. 

I, in no way, want anyone to think differently of my husband. He loves me very much, and would never do anything on purpose to hurt me emotionally or physically. As it was explained to me, it's just a chemical change that happens... like a detox... or just circumstances of the body not having as much sugar as it had previously. I try to remember that it's not necessarily directed at me. I'm just the one that's around him the most, so I see the majority of it.

So, in the frustration of a wife with no power to take the bad away, all I can do is try not to take it personally, which is hard. I have to remember that no matter what he says, no matter how bad he feels, it's not directed at me. I need to have extra forgiveness and grace... and mercy to him. 

This is the sickness part of the vows. I will love him... always.

Agree to disagree

I've been neglecting the blogging scene... So caught up in social networking, life, and such, I guess I forgot about it. Well, I hate to jump on a bandwagon of marriage rights, so I'm just not going to say anything about it (but I am)... I've asked for prayer on the matter because it's difficult not to feel that I should defend myself... There are so many different opinions out there that if I say anything about what I believe, I'll get bashed one way, or another.

The only thing that I will say, is regardless of people's opinions, I want to treat everyone equally. I want to respect everyone equally. So, I've chosen to keep my thoughts to myself. 

The problem, though is that this topic is driving people against each other. Families against each other, friends against each other. Boycotts, slander, and the like... I say, don't let it drive a wedge between you and your friends and loved ones. Agree to disagree. And if the need to bring up the conversation arises, be careful. We all should take into consideration how the other person will be affected. Sometimes it's better to just swallow your pride and let it go. Who cares what you or I think? If they disagree with your opinion, what does it matter? Do you still love that person enough to keep them in your family? Or to be their friend? Then let it go!

Stay humble, people. We're imperfect and finite. Radiate love to those who disagree: it speaks more than the words spouting from your mouth.

the so very important importance of reading the Word of God

I know I haven't written anything in a long time. It's been tough adjusting to life in Seattle. I have been so convicted of the importance of reading the word that I wrote a letter to a friend that is struggling with not spending time in the Word. Let me know what you think.

I’ve been lifting you up throughout the day as you enter my mind. I hope that the LORD is blessing you in abundance today! I was very convicted to give you Biblical reasons to really commit to starting fellowship time with God through the Word today. I decided to send you an email with some scriptures. Even though "person number 1" and "person number 2" may have made some valid arguments, I wanted to encourage you to dig deeper into God’s Word. While reading the Bible doesn’t prove your salvation, it is a result. And by the way you were talking last night, you desire to have the closeness, but struggle to schedule it.

I know the feeling, believe me. I’m just going to jump right in and give you some insight that the LORD has shown me today and I really hope and pray that these don’t come off as “preachy.” He’s really pricked my heart while I was picking out these passages, too.

The first thing I want to point out is the area of temptation. Jesus was in the wilderness fasting and praying. He used scripture as a means to rebuke the devil when he was being tempted. While it’s not a particular scripture that points out the importance of spending time in the word, Jesus probably would’ve given into sin had he not been meditating on the Word of God.

Another place to look is Psalm 119. There are oodles of scriptures that talk about the Word. I’m just going to point out a few:

• v9, “How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.”
• v11, “I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”
• v18, “Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions.”
• v25, “…revive me by your word.”
• v77, “Surround me with your tender mercies so I may live, for your instructions are my delight.”
• v105, “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”

There are so many more, but I wanted to give you a glimpse of the chapter.

Next, we need to dig into the Word of God to protect us against false teachers. 1 Timothy 4:1-2 speak of false teachers and that they are very deceptive. How are we to know what is truth and what isn’t? Mark 13:14b says, “…Reader, pay attention!” why would Jesus say that if the Word wasn’t important? Sorry if it seems really harsh, I don’t mean it to be, but I feel that this is so urgent and important! I really want you to know how very important it is.

Back to false prophets and teachers… 1 Timothy 4:11-13 is a great passage. I’m just going to use v13 which reads, “Until I get there, focus on reading the Scriptures to the church, encouraging the believers, and teaching them.”

Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joints and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.”

The last point is the armor of God. The Bible is the only source of weaponry Christians have in our spiritual walk with God. We don’t have arrows, we don’t have maces, or MACE… we have all of our spiritual armor like faith and peace, salvation, etc. The Bible is the only way we can fight against the tactics of the spiritual warfare going on around us. It is very important that we stay in the word. So that we know the Truth.

This is the last verse I’m going to share with you today. I hope that I haven’t bombarded you and I hope that you know that this is all from love. I, in no way, want you to feel like I’m judging you, or throwing this down your throat. I just feel that it’s very important that you know reasons why it’s important to read your Bible… I know it’s all well and good to listen to audio biographies and such, but it doesn’t replace the Bible and getting to know God through the Word or provide easy ways out, or excuses… The last verse is 2 Timothy 3:16, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.” If you don’t get any other verse, please get that one. I’m going to continue to pray for you, that God shows up, that He refreshes you, that He allows you to have time for Him, and He helps you to finish your schooling without feeling drained. God gives us new strength! Resting in Him is the first step!

I love you, sister! I hope this is refreshing and not tideous.

Jill

 In my noted scriptures, I used New Living Translation, because that's what makes the Word come alive to me. I've noted all scriptures that I used so that you can read it in whatever translation makes your heart understand.

His mercies are new every morning

Last year we took a scouting trip to Seattle, Washington, to see how we liked it and to see if maybe God was leading us to that city. We anticipated every moment of the two weeks we were going to be visiting. What were we going to do? see? Who were we going to try to impact? Where would we serve? Unending questions loaded our minds, or mine, at least.

We encountered a few of what we believed were angels in disguise. We gave what we could to some. We ached at the end of our journey because we didn't know when we'd be back. We tried many times to make our way back to the Northwest and God simply said, "not yet." We believed that God gave us a love for the Emerald City and we knew we were coming back. What we didn't know was how or when. We didn't want to give up on our attempts to go, but we decided to wait, since that was what God was saying.

 After the hype of God saying that we were finally going to go back to Washington, I started planning a little bit. I didn't want to do too much that would prevent God from working His wonders. We talked to our pastor about what we felt God was saying to us and he prayed with us in agreement to what we were called to. We left with excitement and peace about the prospect of moving. 

There was uncertainty about everything: where we were going to stay, our money situation, our vehicle, our furniture. We just had to tell everyone who asked about jobs and housing that we didn't know. Talk about faith. We knew that it sounded like God wasn't leading us with no housing and jobs in place. I definitely started doubting when we were asked, "so... where are you going to stay?" Maybe God isn't leading us to move... Wouldn't he be providing that? The fears were a lot to handle, but leaving it in God's hands and knowing eventually, he would provide what we needed was all I could do. I prayed a lot. Every time I'd get butterflies from thinking about going to Seattle, I'd pray.

I can't say how many times I verbalized my uncertainty to God about His bringing us to Washington. "God, you said that you were going to be bringing us to Seattle, so I trust you, but I don't see how." When I'd get overcome with doubt, I'd remind myself that God is the Creator of the Universe, God of the impossible. I'd ask God to take away my anxiety and ask Him to have my guardian angel next to me to ease my doubt. 

Eventually, things started lining up. We had a prospective place to stay. We started fixing the 2003 PT Cruiser to drive across the country. We let people know that we were going to sell some of our stuff since we weren't going to be taking a lot of things with us. Things were coming together in an unexplainable way.

The day before we were scheduled to leave, we start the transaction of selling my 2006 PT Cruiser to my brother, who'd been paying the car notes on it since May. We couldn't find any way around driving to New Iberia to get the title for the pay off. We have a new radiator, new horn, new tire, new fan... we start the trek to Bank to get the title... and right outside of Opelousas, the car severely overheats to the point of the temperature light coming on... I pulled the car over and we sit for about 45 minutes. We eventually get to the mechanic. Both of us are going through the possibility of what it could be. 9am, the phone rings as we are sitting in a booth at McDonalds down the street. The pressure test was indicating that it could be a cracked head or a busted head gasket, but there's no way to tell unless the head is taken off... Great. So, the car isn't going to make it to Washington. What on earth do we do now? 

God promised that we were going to be in Seattle in April. I got so mad that I told God that it was HIS problem! He promised to get us there, He had to provide a way! Little did we know, that this was one more way that God wanted us to trust in Him and not in ourselves. 

After getting the stupid piece of paper for the sale of the car, we started looking to see what the prices were of rentals. We had enough money to get the car. We didn't have a credit card or debit card because we just closed out checking account. My mom agreed to have her credit card on file so that we could complete the reservation. When we dropped off the car, we would pay in cash and she wouldn't have to pay. Well, God blessed us through her as she offered to pay for the car when we dropped it off. Amazing. We were totally blown away at how things just happened!

So, when we started looking for a place, we eventually just asked "do you accept pets" because it's scarce. We ended up going to stay with the same guy we stayed with as we scouted. We are currently looking for a new apartment for us that accepts pets and for jobs. People are coming out of the wood works to help us! People at our new church, Downtown Cornerstone Church are blown away at God's provision for us and God's guidance. It truly is an amazing story that I will want to share with anyone who asks.

When I'm in doubt, now, I just remember that God has brought us this far and provided for every single need... why wouldn't he do it again? God is true to His word. He doesn't lie. He wanted us here so I'm just going to trust that He's going to provide for us. He's been keeping us on our toes, but I think He likes it that way.

I titled this entry as "His mercies are new every morning" not only because of the scripture, but every day for the past few months, I can see how He's been so merciful and gracious to us by forgiving our blunders and helping us see past our humanness.

We may not have jobs, and we may not know what the next month holds, but we definitely are trusting that God is going to keep providing for us while we're here. As always, I want to thank you for reading and praying for us in our trip from everything we know to the spiritual wilderness that is Seattle. Pray for the city because I know that God is going to be doing mighty things here. He's called so many people from across the United States to help with this church plant. God can do it. He can turn this city around! I'm so blessed and humbled that we are going to be a part of it.

Again, thank you!

busy, bsy, bs...

Sorry that I haven't written anything in a while... I have been busy, and moving is totally taking it's toll. It's been so crazy with trying to find a place to start with moving. What do we need to pack now, what should we pack later... where do we put the garage sale stuff... things like that.

Anyway... I need to start for the day... so, alas... I'm off to get overwhelmed by the cornucopia that is the garage apartments. 

Pray for me and Chase!!!

Thanks for reading.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togevah today.

Marriage is on my mind. This morning, I'm wondering why some marriages just don't last. I'm not saying that I think all marriages are ending because of adultery... That should be the only reason why marriages don't last. I'm not trying to get any information about any particular relationships, because frankly, it's not my business. But it would be a shame if people just felt like they "fell out of love." As I've stated in a previous entry, I don't think marriage should be taken lightly. It's a life-long contract between a man and a woman that signifies their never-ending love for each other. Life-long, never-ending contract... a covenant.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that if you want out, you need to go cheat on your spouse. Don't do that! That merits counsel. But maybe courting needs to be reintroduced to couples considering marriage. Maybe all couples should consider premarital counseling. It certainly is an eye-opener.

Marriages shouldn't be like dating for adults. It's not something that you agree to to have sex, then, when the sex gets old, you get a divorce. It's not something that you end after 3 years because the newness wears off. It's not something that you threaten to end because you get in an argument and are never able to see eye-to-eye. Marriage isn't a feeling. Marriage isn't just living together. Marriage is sacred.

Marriage is a puzzle. Sometimes we see the picture on the box. Sometimes we think we can put the puzzle together without the guide. Sometimes we get the frame or outer edge of it, but we're completely lost without assistance. We don't know where the pieces go. Marriage is so like that. We need help after a little while. Someone may be able to give you a pair of fresh eyes to look at something and then, you see things in ways you didn't know you could before. Let's say that marriage is the puzzle you purchase from Big Name Store that has a strict return policy. You open the box and assemble all of the puzzle except for one piece... it's missing... It can't be returned because the box is open. Does that mean the puzzle is worthless? Heck no!!! It's beautiful and it paints the picture of what our marriages are. They're missing something. Most of the time, it's God. Some of the time, it's communication. And sometimes, it's love (unfortunately) or affection. 

I urge you, please take time to analyze your marriage or relationship and see if there's a piece missing. Don't just try to return it to the store if one piece is missing. Try to see the beauty of the puzzle and figure out what's missing in the midst. 

God doesn't throw anything away. We shouldn't either. Especially our marriages. Sometimes, it's not the right time. Sometimes, it's not the right person. And sometimes still, just not the right reasons. God can make beautiful what we've made ugly. He can transform our incomplete puzzles into beautiful tapestries. 

Please don't try to do it on your own. Ask for help. Even if you don't know the words to say, God knows the words in your heart. All you have to do is ask for help.

Ol' Faithful

God's faithfulness is really evident lately. I'm not saying at all that He is being more faithful now, or that He wasn't being faithful before He revealed to us that we were going to go to Seattle in April. We are noticing how things are falling into place with moving. We didn't know how we were going to get most of our belongings to Washington, and now, a military couple is offering to let us bring stuff to their house so the military can move it to CA. We'd be able to drive down and pick it up when they move in August. Details, little by little are falling into place. 

I do, however, want it to be known that if God were to say, "Leave everything besides the clothes on your back," we would do it. We'd stink wearing the same clothes over and over, but God is totally faithful.

Chase and I have started telling people about things we are going to be selling. Who knows... We may be able to really bless someone with some of the things we have. We have two apartments full of junk that we need to get rid of... but there are some things that we do need to keep. 

It seems that the closer we get, and the more times we say, "How is this going to work out?" God isn't hesitating in telling or showing us how it will happen. I'm amazed at God's arranging everything. We are still not quite sure how the housing will work out at this point, but we have 4 weeks to search... God certainly hasn't let us down yet!!!!

As always, thanks for reading, and prayers are more than welcome. In fact, we ask that you would take a moment and pray as God leads you to. We ask for guidance, wisdom, and knowledge. But ultimately, pray what God tells you to pray.

With appreciation,

Jill

Stepping out in faith

So, after I posted the last blog entry, something interesting happened. And for me to tell you about it, I have to reverse and give more detailed explanation of what took place.

We've been talking about spiritual gifts at church, going in details, and what each gift is. This past Sunday, we talked about wisdom, knowledge, and faith. When the faith portion came around, Chase and I both had our hearts pierced. Being in the video booth, we didn't have time to discuss before the invitation. There also seems to be alot of foot traffic, even though it's kind of out of the way...

On our way home, Chase turns to me and says that he's feeling led to tell me that we are going to be in Seattle in April. I'm stunned! What do I say? How will we get there with the money that we have? Questions pour into my mind as doubt starts settling in. Here is where the other blog entry takes place.

Monday afternoon, I accompanied my mom to lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. While we were in line, I saw a couple from our church family. I bypassed talking to them and went to get drinks. While I was at the fountain machine, Rich Waring walked up and asked if we wanted to sit with him, his wife, and mother-in-law. We started talking about anything that came up when trips, as in vacations, came into the conversation. Rich then said, "we're going home in April and we wanna know if you and Chase want to go with us." Did I just hear what  I thought I heard? Yup. I did. I explained the message from God that took place the previous day and we laughed. I was so taken by surprise by the invitation. I immediately texted Chase to let him know that I finally knew how we were going to be in Seattle.

Alot of questions still go unanswered, as in if we are to just go on a selling frenzy to get to Seattle, or if we just go ahead and purchase round trip tickets and come back to relocate at a later time. So, that's where we are so far.

If you're reading this, please pray that we will clearly hear God and know what is best.

As always, thanks for reading. And thanks for praying.

Seattle, here we come!

I had a short thought in my mind. I wanted to see if maybe it could manifest into something more than just a thought. My thought was about Chase telling me yesterday a time frame in which we would leave. And I said out loud, "God, if you really want us to be in Seattle by then, You need to provide the funding and the way for us to go so that we can get there. We won't make it there on Chase's income." Then, God said something to Chase, "I just got, 'Pursue me and you will see'." I started crying because I'd been convicted of not spending alot of time with God during the day. I knew exactly what He was saying. Listening to the Christian radio station isn't enough. Going to church on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays isn't enough. Talking about the Greatness of God and the Love of Jesus isn't enough. Being around Christians in fellowship is good, but it's not enough.

When God wants you to pursue Him, He wants you to remain at the cross. Remain at His feet. Seeking Him earnestly, every second of every day. 

One thing that I'm always afraid of is sounding like a teenager who's in love with a guy. All she talks about is him. The way he smiles, the funny way he curls the corner of his lips when he chews, the deepness of his eyes when he stares at you, the proportion of roughness in his hands to the softness of his hair. I don't want to keep praying and annoy God with my need. When does it become too much? When does God get tired of hearing about Seattle? Cause I sure am tired of praying about it.

I guess this is one of those times where God wants me to keep praying for. Time and time again, God has told me to keep praying for this situation. I guess that I need to go ahead and end this blog so that I can spend some time in the Word.

So long for now. 

Thanks for reading.

On our way to Financial Peace

I've had alot of time without Netflix to keep me company, lately. My mom's credit card information got stolen and there was someone in Va, that used her card to make purchases and there was another one of her credit cards that had information stolen as well. Thankfully, the credit card companies saw that there was a charge to her card that wasn't likely to be hers. But that's besides the point... Well, take the chance to look at your bank statement and/or credit card statements if you believe in using them... make sure that all of the charges are legit. 

I'm not really sure what this entry was going to be about... I've just wasted time on YouTube instead of watching Netflix. 

Here's something. Since my employment was terminated with Kojis, I've been wondering what I can do to help contribute to the savings to get Chase and me to Seattle by summer. Oh, Seattle, I miss you so much! I ache to be there... My heart literally aches when I think about how much I miss it. Yes, I know it's going to be cold and wet there... but it's so beautiful that it doesn't matter what the weather is like... It matters that we are meant to be there, that people need Jesus there... That so much clouds the view of the heart to see Jesus standing right in front of them.

...Back to earning money to contribute to the cause...

I have been pondering what I can do, since I don't want to get into something that I know isn't temporary. Which means that we are going to have to push back our trip to maybe right after Summer and leave maybe late July or early August. We'll set a date and get our hineys out of here!! Chase told me of the nursery hiring for the summer to help get the work done. I don't know if Chase is going to be paid for a full day's work, but I'd be working from like, 6am to noon... or so I think... When I think about what it's going to be like, how much money can we save, I'm not really sure how it's going to work out... I keep thinking, No matter what I think it'll be like, God will stir things up and plans will change... The numbers aren't matching up right now... Chase reconciles the bank, and we still have more in the bank than we have in Chase's figures. God's actually changing things that don't seem to be adding up for us... What do you do if you want to see how much money you have to save to do something? To anticipate? We can't! It doesn't seem like we have enough month at the end of our money (yes, I meant to say it like that), but truth is, we're coming out positive every month, even with our food stamps being cut off.

So, I'm contemplating what I should do with our savings: help to save up, or to pay down debt? I know exactly what Dave Ramsey would say.  And the cost of living is higher in Washington. So, it adds to my contemplating...

As soon as I believe that I've got my answer, I have to expect the unexpected. Things are going to get interesting. Pray for us. :)