On 15 January, I turned 30. Usually, I hear of women who face emotional distress when they reach their 30th birthday. I didn't feel any different than I had turning 24, 26, 28, or 29. They were all just a number to me. A week before my birthday, I started thinking about what I imagined my life to look like by the time I was 30. Imagining I was still living in Seattle with my husband and working for the same roofing business where I would have still been employed. I'd be a fit, a young mom, hopefully renting a house with enough room for a three-member family with a dog. What have I got to show for myself and my goals? I'm back in the cramped little apartment that Chase and I were in before we moved, and we had absolutely no intention of ever moving back to Louisiana. Being let go ten days before my 29th birthday and feeling that there was no other option but to come back to Louisiana. We have struggled to survive the entire year since we've been back. We've been clinging so tightly to what we have that everything seems to slip right out of our clinching white fists. My journey to fitness came to an abrupt end when we moved away from the city life. There's nowhere to feel safe and walk in this rundown town. And the only option is to drive everywhere, since the nearest decent grocery store is 15 miles away.
I've always been a dreamer. I never dreamed I'd be stuck in a rut with a dependent and a fur-child. Sharing my frustration with anyone seemed so childish that I've kept it inside. I don't want to share my insecurities because I don't want to seem like I'm so needy. I want to be independent and I want to be able to love my family well. I don't want it to seem like I've got regret hanging over my head. The problem is, it's all there. It haunts me when I'm left to my own devices. Thinking about what I had planned so many years ago makes me feel like I've absolutely missed every goal I had set.
I have been reminding myself continuously that I am not a failure. I didn't end up in Louisiana because Chase and I failed at something. I'm not a stay at home mom because I failed in the retail/business world. I'm not unhealthy. I'm not drowning. I'm not a failure. I have, in no way, let anyone down. Plans change. I have to remember that what I do or don't do at 30 isn't a direct reflection of my success in life, love, or finance. What it is a reflection of is my trust that I am where I'm supposed to be: that God is who He says He is, that I am who God says I am, and that I trust His will and direction for my life. Nothing is a mistake. I may not understand why things happened the way they have happened in the last year, but I definitely trust that I am loved, treasured, and fearfully and wonderfully made. I take God's breath away.
So, reader, please don't look at getting older and steering away from your plans for your life as a disappointment or failure. Look at it as God's way of pointing you in the direction He wants you to go. Just ask what He has you do, and follow His lead. In Psalms, He tells us, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you." In Proverbs, "Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
Thanks for reading, and thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
Jill
