Ol' Faithful

God's faithfulness is really evident lately. I'm not saying at all that He is being more faithful now, or that He wasn't being faithful before He revealed to us that we were going to go to Seattle in April. We are noticing how things are falling into place with moving. We didn't know how we were going to get most of our belongings to Washington, and now, a military couple is offering to let us bring stuff to their house so the military can move it to CA. We'd be able to drive down and pick it up when they move in August. Details, little by little are falling into place. 

I do, however, want it to be known that if God were to say, "Leave everything besides the clothes on your back," we would do it. We'd stink wearing the same clothes over and over, but God is totally faithful.

Chase and I have started telling people about things we are going to be selling. Who knows... We may be able to really bless someone with some of the things we have. We have two apartments full of junk that we need to get rid of... but there are some things that we do need to keep. 

It seems that the closer we get, and the more times we say, "How is this going to work out?" God isn't hesitating in telling or showing us how it will happen. I'm amazed at God's arranging everything. We are still not quite sure how the housing will work out at this point, but we have 4 weeks to search... God certainly hasn't let us down yet!!!!

As always, thanks for reading, and prayers are more than welcome. In fact, we ask that you would take a moment and pray as God leads you to. We ask for guidance, wisdom, and knowledge. But ultimately, pray what God tells you to pray.

With appreciation,

Jill

Stepping out in faith

So, after I posted the last blog entry, something interesting happened. And for me to tell you about it, I have to reverse and give more detailed explanation of what took place.

We've been talking about spiritual gifts at church, going in details, and what each gift is. This past Sunday, we talked about wisdom, knowledge, and faith. When the faith portion came around, Chase and I both had our hearts pierced. Being in the video booth, we didn't have time to discuss before the invitation. There also seems to be alot of foot traffic, even though it's kind of out of the way...

On our way home, Chase turns to me and says that he's feeling led to tell me that we are going to be in Seattle in April. I'm stunned! What do I say? How will we get there with the money that we have? Questions pour into my mind as doubt starts settling in. Here is where the other blog entry takes place.

Monday afternoon, I accompanied my mom to lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. While we were in line, I saw a couple from our church family. I bypassed talking to them and went to get drinks. While I was at the fountain machine, Rich Waring walked up and asked if we wanted to sit with him, his wife, and mother-in-law. We started talking about anything that came up when trips, as in vacations, came into the conversation. Rich then said, "we're going home in April and we wanna know if you and Chase want to go with us." Did I just hear what  I thought I heard? Yup. I did. I explained the message from God that took place the previous day and we laughed. I was so taken by surprise by the invitation. I immediately texted Chase to let him know that I finally knew how we were going to be in Seattle.

Alot of questions still go unanswered, as in if we are to just go on a selling frenzy to get to Seattle, or if we just go ahead and purchase round trip tickets and come back to relocate at a later time. So, that's where we are so far.

If you're reading this, please pray that we will clearly hear God and know what is best.

As always, thanks for reading. And thanks for praying.

Seattle, here we come!

I had a short thought in my mind. I wanted to see if maybe it could manifest into something more than just a thought. My thought was about Chase telling me yesterday a time frame in which we would leave. And I said out loud, "God, if you really want us to be in Seattle by then, You need to provide the funding and the way for us to go so that we can get there. We won't make it there on Chase's income." Then, God said something to Chase, "I just got, 'Pursue me and you will see'." I started crying because I'd been convicted of not spending alot of time with God during the day. I knew exactly what He was saying. Listening to the Christian radio station isn't enough. Going to church on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays isn't enough. Talking about the Greatness of God and the Love of Jesus isn't enough. Being around Christians in fellowship is good, but it's not enough.

When God wants you to pursue Him, He wants you to remain at the cross. Remain at His feet. Seeking Him earnestly, every second of every day. 

One thing that I'm always afraid of is sounding like a teenager who's in love with a guy. All she talks about is him. The way he smiles, the funny way he curls the corner of his lips when he chews, the deepness of his eyes when he stares at you, the proportion of roughness in his hands to the softness of his hair. I don't want to keep praying and annoy God with my need. When does it become too much? When does God get tired of hearing about Seattle? Cause I sure am tired of praying about it.

I guess this is one of those times where God wants me to keep praying for. Time and time again, God has told me to keep praying for this situation. I guess that I need to go ahead and end this blog so that I can spend some time in the Word.

So long for now. 

Thanks for reading.

On our way to Financial Peace

I've had alot of time without Netflix to keep me company, lately. My mom's credit card information got stolen and there was someone in Va, that used her card to make purchases and there was another one of her credit cards that had information stolen as well. Thankfully, the credit card companies saw that there was a charge to her card that wasn't likely to be hers. But that's besides the point... Well, take the chance to look at your bank statement and/or credit card statements if you believe in using them... make sure that all of the charges are legit. 

I'm not really sure what this entry was going to be about... I've just wasted time on YouTube instead of watching Netflix. 

Here's something. Since my employment was terminated with Kojis, I've been wondering what I can do to help contribute to the savings to get Chase and me to Seattle by summer. Oh, Seattle, I miss you so much! I ache to be there... My heart literally aches when I think about how much I miss it. Yes, I know it's going to be cold and wet there... but it's so beautiful that it doesn't matter what the weather is like... It matters that we are meant to be there, that people need Jesus there... That so much clouds the view of the heart to see Jesus standing right in front of them.

...Back to earning money to contribute to the cause...

I have been pondering what I can do, since I don't want to get into something that I know isn't temporary. Which means that we are going to have to push back our trip to maybe right after Summer and leave maybe late July or early August. We'll set a date and get our hineys out of here!! Chase told me of the nursery hiring for the summer to help get the work done. I don't know if Chase is going to be paid for a full day's work, but I'd be working from like, 6am to noon... or so I think... When I think about what it's going to be like, how much money can we save, I'm not really sure how it's going to work out... I keep thinking, No matter what I think it'll be like, God will stir things up and plans will change... The numbers aren't matching up right now... Chase reconciles the bank, and we still have more in the bank than we have in Chase's figures. God's actually changing things that don't seem to be adding up for us... What do you do if you want to see how much money you have to save to do something? To anticipate? We can't! It doesn't seem like we have enough month at the end of our money (yes, I meant to say it like that), but truth is, we're coming out positive every month, even with our food stamps being cut off.

So, I'm contemplating what I should do with our savings: help to save up, or to pay down debt? I know exactly what Dave Ramsey would say.  And the cost of living is higher in Washington. So, it adds to my contemplating...

As soon as I believe that I've got my answer, I have to expect the unexpected. Things are going to get interesting. Pray for us. :)

Love is different

Forsake all others and cling to him. 

St. Valentine's Day is a wonderful holiday that celebrates those that we love. Not only is it the one's we're in romantic relationships with, but also just taking the time to show your appreciation to friends, family, and coworkers.  Since I started out this blog with an excerpt of my vows I exchanged with my husband approximately a year and a half ago, it's what I really want to talk about.

In my mind, I think of forsaking as someone literally turning their backs toward me or on me. Usually it's represented by a close friend. Clinging is usually associated with clutching tightly to something... a life raft, an arm, someone's chest or abdomen. Usually I picture that someone burying their face in the person's chest whom they're clinging to. They see nothing. They just hold on tight.

Besides the traditional vows, Chase and I wrote our own vows to share with each other. Here's what my heart said to Chase:

I've heard it said that,

“God gives imperfect women to imperfect men so they can be heirs together of the grace of life and become something more together than either one of them would ever be alone.” (Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl)

 I have seen so much evidence that God has placed you in my life and He is allowing me to stand here and profess my love in the most meaningful way: by taking you as my husband. I promise to honor you, Chase. With my honor, I also promise love. I can't imagine life with you without love.

I will sing the melody I've written for you in my heart: a love so strong it can only be painted on the endless canvas of time, and so beautiful it can only be sung by the heart. My prayer is that you would place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm, because my love for you is as strong as death, my jealousy for you will be unyielding as the grave.

Thinking of the day that celebrates love, I can't help but think about the day that changed both of our lives for the rest of our lives. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about the day that Chase and I promised our love to each other. I think about the headaches leading up to the ceremony, the stupid questions that everyone asked the day of the wedding... the things that went wrong, the doors opening and me seeing no one but Chase standing at the altar. My eyes didn't notice anyone else. My heart was pounding not because I was doubting (there was no doubt), not because almost every eye was on me, not because I was afraid I'd break my ankle or neck in the heels I picked out (because I was), but because it was a big step in our relationship. My eyes poured tears of happiness (thank God I had waterproof mascara on!), and everyone was there to celebrate our covenant marriage. There are less than a handful of Covenant Marriages in the state of Louisiana because the women decide to cheat... hmm... no pressure or anything. :-P

To keep myself in check, I often repeat to myself, forsaking all others... In my mind, I always think of the imagery that I mentioned in the second paragraph. A couple of times, I had to say it out loud so that instead of just thinking of the words, they were manifested and had more intense meaning. That being said, I've never kissed another man or been in a situation where I've been unfaithful, or even thought about it. I do, however think it's important as a believer and as a wife to remind yourself on a regular basis that you entered into a covenant with someone. You promised to honor them, to respect them, and hopefully to love them. 

Anyone who's thinking about getting married, please pay attention to this next part... The romantic feelings will end. You'll long for that butterfly feeling in your stomach every time he kisses you, or the butterflies when he touches your arm or holds your hand. They fade. What's left, is real, true love. The fact that he keeps swiping the hair behind your ear, or that he kisses your neck when you're washing dishes. Hold on to that, not that you don't feel tingles in your toes when you make love. Love isn't a feeling. It's not butterflies. It's not newness of your relationship or the look he gives that look... It's what's left after the house is cleaned out. Love is the house itself. Everything else is decoration.

Love's not all hearts and lace. Love is hard. Love is not glamorous. It's the grimy, dirty part of the relationship. It's being there for your spouse when they lose everything that's important to them. It's praying for them when they hurt and you don't have the words to say to cheer them up. It's giving them time alone when you fight. It's keeping your mouth shut when they say something that isn't kind. It's letting them have the last bite of ice cream when you really, really want it. It's giving up personal gain so that they can benefit. It's making no excuses. It's bragging on them in front of your friends instead of pointing out their faults. Love is serving your spouse when they don't deserve it.

It sounds like alot of stuff most people don't want to hear. I'm sure those people soon wish they would've heard it. Love God, then your spouse and you'll be fine. I'm reminded of a really great friend of mine and Chase's, Rich Carlisle. He tells this story about his dad that Chase and I refer to every now and again... His dad told Rich after he got married, "you think you love her now... just wait until you've been together for X amount of years." Love seems immense until you look back and see that it was only the beginning.

Forgive me for this analogy, but love is like putting dreadlocks in your hair. They're there from day one. They have really great days, and they have really bad days. You may want to brush them out because you get fed up, but if you hang in there, if you let them grow and develop, Before long, or after long, you'll have a beautiful end result. 

 

So, when you're thinking about love and St. Valentine's Day, remember that Love is Different than you think. It's not the mushy stuff. It's not a feeling. It's an action. Show your love to your friends, family, and coworkers today. Let them know they're appreciated. :)

Here's a lagniappe. Caedmon's Call singing "Love is Different"

Let's play a game

Today, I started the day off a little different. This morning, I was awakened by my husband touching the tip of my nose to stop me from snoring. He usually does that so that I will stop snoring and he can go back to sleep. Instead, he tossed and turned for about 20 minutes. He got out of bed and I thought he was mad at me. Little did I know, he just got up and went for a run. While he was out, I tried to go back to sleep with unsuccessful results. By the time I finally drifted back to sleep, I hear Klaus, our new family dog, barking as if there's an intruder propelling himself up the stairs of our garage apartment. It was Chase. He returned.

I decided to just get up, even though I was in a bit of a sour mood. Chase didn't know it, and I had no intention of telling him. I put my aggravation aside and put the oven on to preheat so I could bake some biscuits. I turned on the Wii and we played a few worlds on The New Super Mario Bros. game. (I always complain and argue and pout when I die. I pretty much hate playing because I royally suck at playing anything with Chase.) I kept a positive attitude and we got through 3 whole worlds without me making a negative comment about my inability to play the game. We laughed, we worked together, and we had fun. What a great way to start the morning!

So, moral of the story would be: put aside your frustrations and your negative attitude. You'll never know if the opportunity that you present may change the course of someone's day, either your own, or someone else's. Stay positive and enjoy the time you have with your friends.

Thanks for reading.

Show love and keep your mouth shut!!

impromptu turns offensive

I was always a good girl. I never rebelled. I never got into a fight. All of my girl friends' moms wanted their daughters to be like me. I can't blame my home life for anything that happened to me, because comparatively, my family was tame and normal.

My first semester of college, it seemed that the reigns were taken away. I was still reliable and trust worthy, but the opposite sex clouded my view. Chat rooms were amazing. I could talk to people from all over the world and there was no judgement because they didn't know I was overweight. All they knew was that I was a college girl who was smart and funny. Although I met some really great people, there were a few who enjoyed toying with people's emotions. A majority of them would confess imaginary feelings, which in turn would cause me to think that I had feelings for them. Every single time that I decided to tell the person on the other end of the computer that I liked them, or even when I thought I loved them, they would tell me that they played me like a fiddle.

Still I let them.

I was online all the time. When I wasn't in class, I was in the computer lab in a chat room. Not long had passed before I went through the sheet music of Aaron, James, and Scotty. Even though my heart was broken by those 3 scores, I was getting the hang of online dating. 

My second semester of college, I started talking to this guy named Barron. There wasn't any particular distinction between him and any other guy that I had talked to... but he lived in Louisiana. He mentioned to me that maybe I could come see him. I didn't really plan it. There was one day, out of the blue... I drove up to Minden, Louisiana, to see him. I was being impulsive! None of my family knew that I was going. I had only told my friend, Gabby, and I had only said I was going to go shopping... in Shreveport. It was kind of awesome. No one knew. I was a free girl... For a little while.

I picked him up at a friend's house where he was staying. He was handsome with sky blue eyes. He carried a garbage bag out to my car and said that his friends weren't allowing him to stay that night at their house. We drove around and stopped for pizza at Pizza Hut. I remember Barron saying that he wanted to see if his friend was home because he wanted to pick up something that was his... I think... well, he wasn't home. We ended up seeing his grandfather and talked with him for a while. As we talked to the old man with a handgun (I know, I thought he was going to use it on us), Police pulled up to the house where Barron was previously staying, across the street. So, we saw police pull up, get out of the car, talk to the people at the front door, and get back in their car and drive away. Not a big deal, yet...

Barron asked me to drive him to a friend's apartment and he'd stay there for the night. For some reason, I ended up having the girl who rented the apartment and Barron in my car driving to Wal-Mart... I don't know what for... My phone rings. It's my oldest brother, David. He called to tell me that he knew that I was with Barron Toller. I didn't even know his last name. He was on the run from the cops... I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, EITHER!!! David told me to challenge Barron and ask him... So I did, infuriated, with a complete stranger in the back seat listening to everything. He denied the accusations. I didn't know who to believe. 

How did David know who I was with? He later told me that it was a friend that we went to church with who was chief of police in a nearby town. He called Sprint, got my cell phone records, got in touch with the Dixie Inn/Minden Police Department and they were now looking for him and me.

I planned on staying around for about 30 minutes after that... Barron kept asking me to stay. I mentioned that I had school the next morning. I kept pushing the time back that I would leave... against my better judgment. We sat on the couch watching TV... He kissed me. We kept kissing... A couple of times, I'd gotten carried away kissing and dropped an "L" bomb on him. When he asked if I really did, I didn't want to tell him that I slipped into a trance and said it on accident, so I said, "I don't know."

For some reason unknown to me, I stayed the night at a complete stranger's apartment, making out on a couch with another complete stranger. The next day, I knew I had to go, because I had an early class. He talked me into staying longer... so I stayed... again, against my better judgment. 

That day, I felt like I needed to run away and never look back. Before I completely acknowledged the feeling that I had to leave, Barron decided to show me his rap sheet. I guess he was required by law to show me if he planned to have sex with me. I'm not quite sure. But he showed me. He explained what it was, that it showed how many times he'd been in jail and why. He waited a minute before he flipped each page. Then he came to the most important page: a page that told me more than I ever wanted to know of a person. All I remember of this very important page, was that in the middle, in BIG BOLD LETTERS, it said: 

SEX OFFENDER: __X_Y    ____N

I was utterly terrified. What do I do? How do I get out of here? What happens if he doesn't let me leave? What happens if he tries to have sex with me? Because I surely don't want to have sex with him! He continued to flip through his rap sheet. When he got to the end, he asked if I understood. I said yes. He said, "I bet you want to leave right now, don't you?" I was too polite, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings... Nevermind he just voided every sensation I was feeling... I just cared to not hurt his. I said, "not really," like I usually do... not really meaning it.

He tried without being forceful to take advantage of me, but I told him No. I told him that I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. He asked me if I thought he was a mistake... Gosh... I wish I wasn't so nice. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I said, No. I immediately wanted to say no meant yes... I lost my virginity to someone when I was 19. And I totally regretted it. I didn't want to make another mistake like that, especially with someone that I didn't know anything about besides he's a sex offender. 

It felt empowering and degrading at the same time as I gathered my few things I had and headed out to the car... Finally I was getting enough strength to walk out of the apartment. I was soon on my way back to school... and then to work... It was a horrible day. As I walked in my math class, my professor asked in front of the entire class if the cops had caught up with me. I chuckled nervously and said yes. I was mortified. On my way to my next class, I noticed everyone staring at me. EVERYONE. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be invisible. What had the police done? Gone to every classroom on campus looking for me? 

At least at work that afternoon, people were genuinely asking if I was okay. 

That night, it was hard to face my mom. She asked me if I was meeting guys on the internet to have sex with them. She called me words that I'm ashamed to type out. She said she didn't know who I was... well, neither did I. I lost my mom's trust. I became very depressed. I dropped out of school. I stopped going to church. I saw Barron's face everywhere. I was scared. It took me a long time to get out of that funk. Luckily, it was only about a year.

Since then, I dated two other guys online. And I met Chase. I've seen the good and the bad in online dating. I know the dangers, I know the pros. This is the worst case for me, although I know that there are people out there who don't get to see the next day. I got away without my dignity being completely destroyed. 

It's not always bad, but people don't always find their soul mates. People find the offenders, sometimes. I've really been thinking about this ordeal alot, lately. Last night, I cried because I remembered it with great detail. It haunts me still. But God delivered me. God delivered me from a bad situation. He allowed me to meet great guys who helped heal my heart. And ultimately, He lead me to Chase, and back to Chase. And now, I'm married. 7 years is a long time. Seven years has made me into a woman, somewhere along the lines.

For those who have endured this entry, thank you for being a part of my healing process and allowing me to give you a glimpse into my fears, my embarrassment, my stupidity, my mistake, my story. I can't look back without seeing how far I've come. I hope that those who know me see the same thing. God can do some amazing things if we let Him. He has delivered me, He's healed me, and He blessed me. All of the glory goes to Him.

Thanks for reading.

Dread Head (my dread journey)

In October, 2011, I stumbled across videos on YouTube of people talking about their dreadlocks. At first, I was enthralled! I couldn't get enough. The more videos I watched, the more I saw that people other than potheads had dreadlocks. I soon came to find a lady who approached the dreadlocks as a spiritual transformation. Her name is Tara Wagner of theorganicsister.com . (She has, since then, shaven off her dreadlocks for the same reason.) Eventually, I found that there were a reasonable amount of Believers putting dreadlocks in their hair. The more videos I watched, the more I thought about what I'd look like if I had dreadlocks.

Let me stop there for a moment. Let me take the time to say that before this, I'd been asking God to give me His eyes to see people the way that He saw them. I'd been dealing with judgement and being judgmental most of my life, because my mom is very judgmental. I found myself being very haughty and cruel, for no good reason, other than someone looking at me the wrong way.

Okay... back from the break. I watched most of Tara Wagner's videos on YouTube about her dreadlocks and other channels of people who experienced judgement as they pursued dreadlocks. Meanwhile, in my quiet times and Bible readings, I felt God saying that this would be good for me; a journey for me to take to understand the glances, the feelings, the wrongness of being a hypocrite Christian. I understood the ugliness of saying that I love all people, but in my heart of hearts, I despised the person who sagged their pants below their knees or the person who acts like a thug, but doesn't have common knowledge to know right from wrong. Or even the person holding the "HOMELESS" sign at the traffic light... Keep your window up and they won't ask for money to feed their drinking or drug habit. Keep your eyes forward and they won't know that you are thinking how dishonest they are. Or you think they don't know you're thinking that...

Well, November came and I ached to change my hair. "But I don't think Rachel would like it if I had dreadlocks in her wedding..." So, I waited. one more month passed and on December 3rd, I got the supplies and dreaded half of my head. My pastor, Nathan Martin kept me accountable without even knowing it. I had mentioned on Twitter that I was started the process and the next day, he asked about them. I pulled my hair out of my ponytail and showed him the progress that I had made from the previous night. And that night, I finished the process. My arms were tired, and I was exhausted!

Immediately, I felt eyes on me. The first time I went to church with them in my hair, people's upper lips curled as they asked what I had done. I could see that people didn't approve. I think back to the first video I made to introduce my dreadlocks... 2 or 3 days old, and they looked pretty bad. LOL That's not the point. The point is that I got them in. That even though they looked really rough the first couple of weeks, they were the right move for me. I think that if I would've been open about why I decided to start my dreadlocks, then maybe people would've understood and not been so judgmental about it! The only questions I got were "how long are you going to keep your hair like that?" and "how are you going to brush that out?" I kept saying that I wasn't going to brush it out and that I was going to keep my hair like that for at least 3 years. Again with the stares!!!

Boy, from Day 1, God started giving me humility. There were (and are) times where I take it gracefully, and other times where I take it like a punished child and pout. I knew this was going to happen. I knew what to expect, but still, it was, and is painful. There are days that I feel like I'm really making progress to being a compassionate and understanding person, and other days where I feel like I haven't made a change at all.

I have accepted this as a journey. I have to remind myself of such, and also that it takes patience. I didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to be cured overnight. It took years for me to become a callused hypocrite Christian and it'll take years to undo that. God shows me patience everyday. God shows me that I am imperfect every day and that I need Him to help me change. God is totally helping me to understand other people. They want to be loved. They want to be accepted. They want to fit in. And I see that. Until Jesus comes back, or until I die to this world, God is going to continue to show me and give me eyes to see His children with the great love that He has for them.

Thanks for reading. Be challenged!!!

Love someone that doesn't deserve it... that means everyone.