Ooh, jealousy...

I try not to let alot of things get to me. I try to let things roll off of my back. Last night, however, I had a friend tell me that his wife felt like I had a crush on him because I liked status updates and pictures on facebook and instagram. Really? Wow. First off: no... Secondly, we went to elementary school together. Thirdly, he's married. Lastly, he wears camo, so that's a definite deal breaker! Besides, I don't know if the wife knows this, but I was married LONG before I started being friends with this guy. I'm in love with my husband and I don't want to be with anyone else but him. He has my heart and I promise myself every day that I'm going to forsake all other men and cling to my husband. And the cherry on top is that I live across the country!

Now, I've been the innocent friend and I've also been the jealous girlfriend. I know how jealousy can drive a wedge between everyone involved. Me being an innocent party in this, and not doing anything wrong makes me infuriated. I'm being blamed for something that I didn't do/wasn't my fault.

I was invited to my guy friend's house for coffee and a Bible study... and I assumed that he told his wife about it. I get there, and we sit down to open the Bible and his wife calls on the phone. He proceeds to tell her that I'm there and she gets mad because she wasn't told before that I would be there. So, I'm blamed for that. And now, I comment, and like pictures of him with kids, and mostly of him and his wife. But still I'm blamed that I have a crush on him.

I don't think I'd ask to be friends with his wife if I had a thing for her husband. I wouldn't like pictures of husband and wife kissing and cuddling if I had a crush on the husband. I wouldn't pray that the wife would get pregnant or find a great job if I had a crush on the husband. I wouldn't respect the wife if I had feelings for her husband.

I hate that I'm blamed for something that I didn't do or that wasn't my fault in the first place. I'm very content with my husband and I don't want anyone else! I wouldn't have married my husband if I did want to be with someone else.

As of right now, I'm so pissed off that I can't pray for her because I feel like I'd be saying, "God, change her feelings. Change her heart. Let her see that I'm not trying to break up her family. Let her know I'm not into her husband." So, I'd need to pray for myself for what? For me to understand how she feels? because I definitely don't want to go back to those dark thoughts. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

I made a really great friend and he says I can still be his friend, but I know how her mind works. If I send text messages, like a picture of the both of them, or like a status update or anything, she's going to think I'm after her husband. I can't even unfriend his wife, because that will raise suspicion. He said that I can like something every once in a while. But to her, it's still going to seem that I'm a home wrecker. So, I'd have to screen what I like and what I don't like. So, if I like something, I can't just comment, or like. I have to filter what I do. I'd rather just not deal with that at all. Too much drama. I was that girl.

It's awful being that innocent friend. You're blamed for everything you do. Your friendship is investigated. I thought that because I was happily married and he was happily married, that I didn't have to worry about jealousy, especially since I live more than 2000 miles away! I guess that's not the case, or I just forgot what it's like to be the jealous girl. So, reader, pray for her... and for me. Because I simply can't pray for something I want so strongly for her. I will feel very hypocritical praying for her to realize that I don't want to take her happiness away. It wasn't my fault.

Sugar and Other Disasters

So, trying to manage Chase's sugar levels has been a beast. Yesterday was a bad day in that regard. He was down all day... probably because Saturday night we ate alot of sweets at the Doctor Who Season Seven Premier Party. Chocolate Daleks, Fish Fingers and Custard and Banoffee Pie, OH MY! So, he had sugar overload. And Sunday the wrath came. 

I'm always wanting to get away from him when he's crashing. It's very hard to keep my patience and cool when he's struggling. I keep my mouth closed for the most part and I restrain from punching him in the face. Even if I punched him as hard as I could, it wouldn't hurt him... And that would just annoy me.

He accompanied me to the store to do some shopping and I kept my mouth shut when he made snide and rude remarks. He was constantly negative and I didn't want to encourage him to continue by telling him to stop, or to tell him how annoying it was. He told me that when he gets like that, he doesn't care about anyone, or anything but himself. And on our way home, I saw that. He started raising his voice at me while we were waiting for the bus. At that moment, I looked across the street to see a lady walking by and I was afraid she was going to look over and see Chase yelling at me. I am an advocate against abuse. I don't like to see a woman being degraded by an abusive man. And for just a moment, I felt like the degraded woman. I was afraid that people were going to pass by and wonder if I was okay and safe. Then, I'd have to make an excuse for Chase... I hate it when women have to make excuses for the men they're with. I had enough and finally told him that I didn't want him to take his anger and frustration out on me. He started coming around after that.

He did have human moments where I was pleased to be in his company. My biggest problem is that when he's on a sugar crash like that, I get sad and upset that there's nothing I can do to help him. It's hard seeing the person you love suffer and not being able to just kiss it away.

As a wife, I feel like it's my duty to help Chase in every circumstance that he faces. And I feel unaccomplished and useless on days like yesterday. It's an ugly situation... but it doesn't happen alot... That, I am very thankful for. 

I, in no way, want anyone to think differently of my husband. He loves me very much, and would never do anything on purpose to hurt me emotionally or physically. As it was explained to me, it's just a chemical change that happens... like a detox... or just circumstances of the body not having as much sugar as it had previously. I try to remember that it's not necessarily directed at me. I'm just the one that's around him the most, so I see the majority of it.

So, in the frustration of a wife with no power to take the bad away, all I can do is try not to take it personally, which is hard. I have to remember that no matter what he says, no matter how bad he feels, it's not directed at me. I need to have extra forgiveness and grace... and mercy to him. 

This is the sickness part of the vows. I will love him... always.

Agree to disagree

I've been neglecting the blogging scene... So caught up in social networking, life, and such, I guess I forgot about it. Well, I hate to jump on a bandwagon of marriage rights, so I'm just not going to say anything about it (but I am)... I've asked for prayer on the matter because it's difficult not to feel that I should defend myself... There are so many different opinions out there that if I say anything about what I believe, I'll get bashed one way, or another.

The only thing that I will say, is regardless of people's opinions, I want to treat everyone equally. I want to respect everyone equally. So, I've chosen to keep my thoughts to myself. 

The problem, though is that this topic is driving people against each other. Families against each other, friends against each other. Boycotts, slander, and the like... I say, don't let it drive a wedge between you and your friends and loved ones. Agree to disagree. And if the need to bring up the conversation arises, be careful. We all should take into consideration how the other person will be affected. Sometimes it's better to just swallow your pride and let it go. Who cares what you or I think? If they disagree with your opinion, what does it matter? Do you still love that person enough to keep them in your family? Or to be their friend? Then let it go!

Stay humble, people. We're imperfect and finite. Radiate love to those who disagree: it speaks more than the words spouting from your mouth.

the so very important importance of reading the Word of God

I know I haven't written anything in a long time. It's been tough adjusting to life in Seattle. I have been so convicted of the importance of reading the word that I wrote a letter to a friend that is struggling with not spending time in the Word. Let me know what you think.

I’ve been lifting you up throughout the day as you enter my mind. I hope that the LORD is blessing you in abundance today! I was very convicted to give you Biblical reasons to really commit to starting fellowship time with God through the Word today. I decided to send you an email with some scriptures. Even though "person number 1" and "person number 2" may have made some valid arguments, I wanted to encourage you to dig deeper into God’s Word. While reading the Bible doesn’t prove your salvation, it is a result. And by the way you were talking last night, you desire to have the closeness, but struggle to schedule it.

I know the feeling, believe me. I’m just going to jump right in and give you some insight that the LORD has shown me today and I really hope and pray that these don’t come off as “preachy.” He’s really pricked my heart while I was picking out these passages, too.

The first thing I want to point out is the area of temptation. Jesus was in the wilderness fasting and praying. He used scripture as a means to rebuke the devil when he was being tempted. While it’s not a particular scripture that points out the importance of spending time in the word, Jesus probably would’ve given into sin had he not been meditating on the Word of God.

Another place to look is Psalm 119. There are oodles of scriptures that talk about the Word. I’m just going to point out a few:

• v9, “How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.”
• v11, “I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.”
• v18, “Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions.”
• v25, “…revive me by your word.”
• v77, “Surround me with your tender mercies so I may live, for your instructions are my delight.”
• v105, “Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.”

There are so many more, but I wanted to give you a glimpse of the chapter.

Next, we need to dig into the Word of God to protect us against false teachers. 1 Timothy 4:1-2 speak of false teachers and that they are very deceptive. How are we to know what is truth and what isn’t? Mark 13:14b says, “…Reader, pay attention!” why would Jesus say that if the Word wasn’t important? Sorry if it seems really harsh, I don’t mean it to be, but I feel that this is so urgent and important! I really want you to know how very important it is.

Back to false prophets and teachers… 1 Timothy 4:11-13 is a great passage. I’m just going to use v13 which reads, “Until I get there, focus on reading the Scriptures to the church, encouraging the believers, and teaching them.”

Hebrews 4:12 “For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joints and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.”

The last point is the armor of God. The Bible is the only source of weaponry Christians have in our spiritual walk with God. We don’t have arrows, we don’t have maces, or MACE… we have all of our spiritual armor like faith and peace, salvation, etc. The Bible is the only way we can fight against the tactics of the spiritual warfare going on around us. It is very important that we stay in the word. So that we know the Truth.

This is the last verse I’m going to share with you today. I hope that I haven’t bombarded you and I hope that you know that this is all from love. I, in no way, want you to feel like I’m judging you, or throwing this down your throat. I just feel that it’s very important that you know reasons why it’s important to read your Bible… I know it’s all well and good to listen to audio biographies and such, but it doesn’t replace the Bible and getting to know God through the Word or provide easy ways out, or excuses… The last verse is 2 Timothy 3:16, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.” If you don’t get any other verse, please get that one. I’m going to continue to pray for you, that God shows up, that He refreshes you, that He allows you to have time for Him, and He helps you to finish your schooling without feeling drained. God gives us new strength! Resting in Him is the first step!

I love you, sister! I hope this is refreshing and not tideous.

Jill

 In my noted scriptures, I used New Living Translation, because that's what makes the Word come alive to me. I've noted all scriptures that I used so that you can read it in whatever translation makes your heart understand.

His mercies are new every morning

Last year we took a scouting trip to Seattle, Washington, to see how we liked it and to see if maybe God was leading us to that city. We anticipated every moment of the two weeks we were going to be visiting. What were we going to do? see? Who were we going to try to impact? Where would we serve? Unending questions loaded our minds, or mine, at least.

We encountered a few of what we believed were angels in disguise. We gave what we could to some. We ached at the end of our journey because we didn't know when we'd be back. We tried many times to make our way back to the Northwest and God simply said, "not yet." We believed that God gave us a love for the Emerald City and we knew we were coming back. What we didn't know was how or when. We didn't want to give up on our attempts to go, but we decided to wait, since that was what God was saying.

 After the hype of God saying that we were finally going to go back to Washington, I started planning a little bit. I didn't want to do too much that would prevent God from working His wonders. We talked to our pastor about what we felt God was saying to us and he prayed with us in agreement to what we were called to. We left with excitement and peace about the prospect of moving. 

There was uncertainty about everything: where we were going to stay, our money situation, our vehicle, our furniture. We just had to tell everyone who asked about jobs and housing that we didn't know. Talk about faith. We knew that it sounded like God wasn't leading us with no housing and jobs in place. I definitely started doubting when we were asked, "so... where are you going to stay?" Maybe God isn't leading us to move... Wouldn't he be providing that? The fears were a lot to handle, but leaving it in God's hands and knowing eventually, he would provide what we needed was all I could do. I prayed a lot. Every time I'd get butterflies from thinking about going to Seattle, I'd pray.

I can't say how many times I verbalized my uncertainty to God about His bringing us to Washington. "God, you said that you were going to be bringing us to Seattle, so I trust you, but I don't see how." When I'd get overcome with doubt, I'd remind myself that God is the Creator of the Universe, God of the impossible. I'd ask God to take away my anxiety and ask Him to have my guardian angel next to me to ease my doubt. 

Eventually, things started lining up. We had a prospective place to stay. We started fixing the 2003 PT Cruiser to drive across the country. We let people know that we were going to sell some of our stuff since we weren't going to be taking a lot of things with us. Things were coming together in an unexplainable way.

The day before we were scheduled to leave, we start the transaction of selling my 2006 PT Cruiser to my brother, who'd been paying the car notes on it since May. We couldn't find any way around driving to New Iberia to get the title for the pay off. We have a new radiator, new horn, new tire, new fan... we start the trek to Bank to get the title... and right outside of Opelousas, the car severely overheats to the point of the temperature light coming on... I pulled the car over and we sit for about 45 minutes. We eventually get to the mechanic. Both of us are going through the possibility of what it could be. 9am, the phone rings as we are sitting in a booth at McDonalds down the street. The pressure test was indicating that it could be a cracked head or a busted head gasket, but there's no way to tell unless the head is taken off... Great. So, the car isn't going to make it to Washington. What on earth do we do now? 

God promised that we were going to be in Seattle in April. I got so mad that I told God that it was HIS problem! He promised to get us there, He had to provide a way! Little did we know, that this was one more way that God wanted us to trust in Him and not in ourselves. 

After getting the stupid piece of paper for the sale of the car, we started looking to see what the prices were of rentals. We had enough money to get the car. We didn't have a credit card or debit card because we just closed out checking account. My mom agreed to have her credit card on file so that we could complete the reservation. When we dropped off the car, we would pay in cash and she wouldn't have to pay. Well, God blessed us through her as she offered to pay for the car when we dropped it off. Amazing. We were totally blown away at how things just happened!

So, when we started looking for a place, we eventually just asked "do you accept pets" because it's scarce. We ended up going to stay with the same guy we stayed with as we scouted. We are currently looking for a new apartment for us that accepts pets and for jobs. People are coming out of the wood works to help us! People at our new church, Downtown Cornerstone Church are blown away at God's provision for us and God's guidance. It truly is an amazing story that I will want to share with anyone who asks.

When I'm in doubt, now, I just remember that God has brought us this far and provided for every single need... why wouldn't he do it again? God is true to His word. He doesn't lie. He wanted us here so I'm just going to trust that He's going to provide for us. He's been keeping us on our toes, but I think He likes it that way.

I titled this entry as "His mercies are new every morning" not only because of the scripture, but every day for the past few months, I can see how He's been so merciful and gracious to us by forgiving our blunders and helping us see past our humanness.

We may not have jobs, and we may not know what the next month holds, but we definitely are trusting that God is going to keep providing for us while we're here. As always, I want to thank you for reading and praying for us in our trip from everything we know to the spiritual wilderness that is Seattle. Pray for the city because I know that God is going to be doing mighty things here. He's called so many people from across the United States to help with this church plant. God can do it. He can turn this city around! I'm so blessed and humbled that we are going to be a part of it.

Again, thank you!

busy, bsy, bs...

Sorry that I haven't written anything in a while... I have been busy, and moving is totally taking it's toll. It's been so crazy with trying to find a place to start with moving. What do we need to pack now, what should we pack later... where do we put the garage sale stuff... things like that.

Anyway... I need to start for the day... so, alas... I'm off to get overwhelmed by the cornucopia that is the garage apartments. 

Pray for me and Chase!!!

Thanks for reading.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togevah today.

Marriage is on my mind. This morning, I'm wondering why some marriages just don't last. I'm not saying that I think all marriages are ending because of adultery... That should be the only reason why marriages don't last. I'm not trying to get any information about any particular relationships, because frankly, it's not my business. But it would be a shame if people just felt like they "fell out of love." As I've stated in a previous entry, I don't think marriage should be taken lightly. It's a life-long contract between a man and a woman that signifies their never-ending love for each other. Life-long, never-ending contract... a covenant.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that if you want out, you need to go cheat on your spouse. Don't do that! That merits counsel. But maybe courting needs to be reintroduced to couples considering marriage. Maybe all couples should consider premarital counseling. It certainly is an eye-opener.

Marriages shouldn't be like dating for adults. It's not something that you agree to to have sex, then, when the sex gets old, you get a divorce. It's not something that you end after 3 years because the newness wears off. It's not something that you threaten to end because you get in an argument and are never able to see eye-to-eye. Marriage isn't a feeling. Marriage isn't just living together. Marriage is sacred.

Marriage is a puzzle. Sometimes we see the picture on the box. Sometimes we think we can put the puzzle together without the guide. Sometimes we get the frame or outer edge of it, but we're completely lost without assistance. We don't know where the pieces go. Marriage is so like that. We need help after a little while. Someone may be able to give you a pair of fresh eyes to look at something and then, you see things in ways you didn't know you could before. Let's say that marriage is the puzzle you purchase from Big Name Store that has a strict return policy. You open the box and assemble all of the puzzle except for one piece... it's missing... It can't be returned because the box is open. Does that mean the puzzle is worthless? Heck no!!! It's beautiful and it paints the picture of what our marriages are. They're missing something. Most of the time, it's God. Some of the time, it's communication. And sometimes, it's love (unfortunately) or affection. 

I urge you, please take time to analyze your marriage or relationship and see if there's a piece missing. Don't just try to return it to the store if one piece is missing. Try to see the beauty of the puzzle and figure out what's missing in the midst. 

God doesn't throw anything away. We shouldn't either. Especially our marriages. Sometimes, it's not the right time. Sometimes, it's not the right person. And sometimes still, just not the right reasons. God can make beautiful what we've made ugly. He can transform our incomplete puzzles into beautiful tapestries. 

Please don't try to do it on your own. Ask for help. Even if you don't know the words to say, God knows the words in your heart. All you have to do is ask for help.

Ol' Faithful

God's faithfulness is really evident lately. I'm not saying at all that He is being more faithful now, or that He wasn't being faithful before He revealed to us that we were going to go to Seattle in April. We are noticing how things are falling into place with moving. We didn't know how we were going to get most of our belongings to Washington, and now, a military couple is offering to let us bring stuff to their house so the military can move it to CA. We'd be able to drive down and pick it up when they move in August. Details, little by little are falling into place. 

I do, however, want it to be known that if God were to say, "Leave everything besides the clothes on your back," we would do it. We'd stink wearing the same clothes over and over, but God is totally faithful.

Chase and I have started telling people about things we are going to be selling. Who knows... We may be able to really bless someone with some of the things we have. We have two apartments full of junk that we need to get rid of... but there are some things that we do need to keep. 

It seems that the closer we get, and the more times we say, "How is this going to work out?" God isn't hesitating in telling or showing us how it will happen. I'm amazed at God's arranging everything. We are still not quite sure how the housing will work out at this point, but we have 4 weeks to search... God certainly hasn't let us down yet!!!!

As always, thanks for reading, and prayers are more than welcome. In fact, we ask that you would take a moment and pray as God leads you to. We ask for guidance, wisdom, and knowledge. But ultimately, pray what God tells you to pray.

With appreciation,

Jill

Stepping out in faith

So, after I posted the last blog entry, something interesting happened. And for me to tell you about it, I have to reverse and give more detailed explanation of what took place.

We've been talking about spiritual gifts at church, going in details, and what each gift is. This past Sunday, we talked about wisdom, knowledge, and faith. When the faith portion came around, Chase and I both had our hearts pierced. Being in the video booth, we didn't have time to discuss before the invitation. There also seems to be alot of foot traffic, even though it's kind of out of the way...

On our way home, Chase turns to me and says that he's feeling led to tell me that we are going to be in Seattle in April. I'm stunned! What do I say? How will we get there with the money that we have? Questions pour into my mind as doubt starts settling in. Here is where the other blog entry takes place.

Monday afternoon, I accompanied my mom to lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. While we were in line, I saw a couple from our church family. I bypassed talking to them and went to get drinks. While I was at the fountain machine, Rich Waring walked up and asked if we wanted to sit with him, his wife, and mother-in-law. We started talking about anything that came up when trips, as in vacations, came into the conversation. Rich then said, "we're going home in April and we wanna know if you and Chase want to go with us." Did I just hear what  I thought I heard? Yup. I did. I explained the message from God that took place the previous day and we laughed. I was so taken by surprise by the invitation. I immediately texted Chase to let him know that I finally knew how we were going to be in Seattle.

Alot of questions still go unanswered, as in if we are to just go on a selling frenzy to get to Seattle, or if we just go ahead and purchase round trip tickets and come back to relocate at a later time. So, that's where we are so far.

If you're reading this, please pray that we will clearly hear God and know what is best.

As always, thanks for reading. And thanks for praying.

Seattle, here we come!

I had a short thought in my mind. I wanted to see if maybe it could manifest into something more than just a thought. My thought was about Chase telling me yesterday a time frame in which we would leave. And I said out loud, "God, if you really want us to be in Seattle by then, You need to provide the funding and the way for us to go so that we can get there. We won't make it there on Chase's income." Then, God said something to Chase, "I just got, 'Pursue me and you will see'." I started crying because I'd been convicted of not spending alot of time with God during the day. I knew exactly what He was saying. Listening to the Christian radio station isn't enough. Going to church on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays isn't enough. Talking about the Greatness of God and the Love of Jesus isn't enough. Being around Christians in fellowship is good, but it's not enough.

When God wants you to pursue Him, He wants you to remain at the cross. Remain at His feet. Seeking Him earnestly, every second of every day. 

One thing that I'm always afraid of is sounding like a teenager who's in love with a guy. All she talks about is him. The way he smiles, the funny way he curls the corner of his lips when he chews, the deepness of his eyes when he stares at you, the proportion of roughness in his hands to the softness of his hair. I don't want to keep praying and annoy God with my need. When does it become too much? When does God get tired of hearing about Seattle? Cause I sure am tired of praying about it.

I guess this is one of those times where God wants me to keep praying for. Time and time again, God has told me to keep praying for this situation. I guess that I need to go ahead and end this blog so that I can spend some time in the Word.

So long for now. 

Thanks for reading.

On our way to Financial Peace

I've had alot of time without Netflix to keep me company, lately. My mom's credit card information got stolen and there was someone in Va, that used her card to make purchases and there was another one of her credit cards that had information stolen as well. Thankfully, the credit card companies saw that there was a charge to her card that wasn't likely to be hers. But that's besides the point... Well, take the chance to look at your bank statement and/or credit card statements if you believe in using them... make sure that all of the charges are legit. 

I'm not really sure what this entry was going to be about... I've just wasted time on YouTube instead of watching Netflix. 

Here's something. Since my employment was terminated with Kojis, I've been wondering what I can do to help contribute to the savings to get Chase and me to Seattle by summer. Oh, Seattle, I miss you so much! I ache to be there... My heart literally aches when I think about how much I miss it. Yes, I know it's going to be cold and wet there... but it's so beautiful that it doesn't matter what the weather is like... It matters that we are meant to be there, that people need Jesus there... That so much clouds the view of the heart to see Jesus standing right in front of them.

...Back to earning money to contribute to the cause...

I have been pondering what I can do, since I don't want to get into something that I know isn't temporary. Which means that we are going to have to push back our trip to maybe right after Summer and leave maybe late July or early August. We'll set a date and get our hineys out of here!! Chase told me of the nursery hiring for the summer to help get the work done. I don't know if Chase is going to be paid for a full day's work, but I'd be working from like, 6am to noon... or so I think... When I think about what it's going to be like, how much money can we save, I'm not really sure how it's going to work out... I keep thinking, No matter what I think it'll be like, God will stir things up and plans will change... The numbers aren't matching up right now... Chase reconciles the bank, and we still have more in the bank than we have in Chase's figures. God's actually changing things that don't seem to be adding up for us... What do you do if you want to see how much money you have to save to do something? To anticipate? We can't! It doesn't seem like we have enough month at the end of our money (yes, I meant to say it like that), but truth is, we're coming out positive every month, even with our food stamps being cut off.

So, I'm contemplating what I should do with our savings: help to save up, or to pay down debt? I know exactly what Dave Ramsey would say.  And the cost of living is higher in Washington. So, it adds to my contemplating...

As soon as I believe that I've got my answer, I have to expect the unexpected. Things are going to get interesting. Pray for us. :)

Love is different

Forsake all others and cling to him. 

St. Valentine's Day is a wonderful holiday that celebrates those that we love. Not only is it the one's we're in romantic relationships with, but also just taking the time to show your appreciation to friends, family, and coworkers.  Since I started out this blog with an excerpt of my vows I exchanged with my husband approximately a year and a half ago, it's what I really want to talk about.

In my mind, I think of forsaking as someone literally turning their backs toward me or on me. Usually it's represented by a close friend. Clinging is usually associated with clutching tightly to something... a life raft, an arm, someone's chest or abdomen. Usually I picture that someone burying their face in the person's chest whom they're clinging to. They see nothing. They just hold on tight.

Besides the traditional vows, Chase and I wrote our own vows to share with each other. Here's what my heart said to Chase:

I've heard it said that,

“God gives imperfect women to imperfect men so they can be heirs together of the grace of life and become something more together than either one of them would ever be alone.” (Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl)

 I have seen so much evidence that God has placed you in my life and He is allowing me to stand here and profess my love in the most meaningful way: by taking you as my husband. I promise to honor you, Chase. With my honor, I also promise love. I can't imagine life with you without love.

I will sing the melody I've written for you in my heart: a love so strong it can only be painted on the endless canvas of time, and so beautiful it can only be sung by the heart. My prayer is that you would place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm, because my love for you is as strong as death, my jealousy for you will be unyielding as the grave.

Thinking of the day that celebrates love, I can't help but think about the day that changed both of our lives for the rest of our lives. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about the day that Chase and I promised our love to each other. I think about the headaches leading up to the ceremony, the stupid questions that everyone asked the day of the wedding... the things that went wrong, the doors opening and me seeing no one but Chase standing at the altar. My eyes didn't notice anyone else. My heart was pounding not because I was doubting (there was no doubt), not because almost every eye was on me, not because I was afraid I'd break my ankle or neck in the heels I picked out (because I was), but because it was a big step in our relationship. My eyes poured tears of happiness (thank God I had waterproof mascara on!), and everyone was there to celebrate our covenant marriage. There are less than a handful of Covenant Marriages in the state of Louisiana because the women decide to cheat... hmm... no pressure or anything. :-P

To keep myself in check, I often repeat to myself, forsaking all others... In my mind, I always think of the imagery that I mentioned in the second paragraph. A couple of times, I had to say it out loud so that instead of just thinking of the words, they were manifested and had more intense meaning. That being said, I've never kissed another man or been in a situation where I've been unfaithful, or even thought about it. I do, however think it's important as a believer and as a wife to remind yourself on a regular basis that you entered into a covenant with someone. You promised to honor them, to respect them, and hopefully to love them. 

Anyone who's thinking about getting married, please pay attention to this next part... The romantic feelings will end. You'll long for that butterfly feeling in your stomach every time he kisses you, or the butterflies when he touches your arm or holds your hand. They fade. What's left, is real, true love. The fact that he keeps swiping the hair behind your ear, or that he kisses your neck when you're washing dishes. Hold on to that, not that you don't feel tingles in your toes when you make love. Love isn't a feeling. It's not butterflies. It's not newness of your relationship or the look he gives that look... It's what's left after the house is cleaned out. Love is the house itself. Everything else is decoration.

Love's not all hearts and lace. Love is hard. Love is not glamorous. It's the grimy, dirty part of the relationship. It's being there for your spouse when they lose everything that's important to them. It's praying for them when they hurt and you don't have the words to say to cheer them up. It's giving them time alone when you fight. It's keeping your mouth shut when they say something that isn't kind. It's letting them have the last bite of ice cream when you really, really want it. It's giving up personal gain so that they can benefit. It's making no excuses. It's bragging on them in front of your friends instead of pointing out their faults. Love is serving your spouse when they don't deserve it.

It sounds like alot of stuff most people don't want to hear. I'm sure those people soon wish they would've heard it. Love God, then your spouse and you'll be fine. I'm reminded of a really great friend of mine and Chase's, Rich Carlisle. He tells this story about his dad that Chase and I refer to every now and again... His dad told Rich after he got married, "you think you love her now... just wait until you've been together for X amount of years." Love seems immense until you look back and see that it was only the beginning.

Forgive me for this analogy, but love is like putting dreadlocks in your hair. They're there from day one. They have really great days, and they have really bad days. You may want to brush them out because you get fed up, but if you hang in there, if you let them grow and develop, Before long, or after long, you'll have a beautiful end result. 

 

So, when you're thinking about love and St. Valentine's Day, remember that Love is Different than you think. It's not the mushy stuff. It's not a feeling. It's an action. Show your love to your friends, family, and coworkers today. Let them know they're appreciated. :)

Here's a lagniappe. Caedmon's Call singing "Love is Different"

Let's play a game

Today, I started the day off a little different. This morning, I was awakened by my husband touching the tip of my nose to stop me from snoring. He usually does that so that I will stop snoring and he can go back to sleep. Instead, he tossed and turned for about 20 minutes. He got out of bed and I thought he was mad at me. Little did I know, he just got up and went for a run. While he was out, I tried to go back to sleep with unsuccessful results. By the time I finally drifted back to sleep, I hear Klaus, our new family dog, barking as if there's an intruder propelling himself up the stairs of our garage apartment. It was Chase. He returned.

I decided to just get up, even though I was in a bit of a sour mood. Chase didn't know it, and I had no intention of telling him. I put my aggravation aside and put the oven on to preheat so I could bake some biscuits. I turned on the Wii and we played a few worlds on The New Super Mario Bros. game. (I always complain and argue and pout when I die. I pretty much hate playing because I royally suck at playing anything with Chase.) I kept a positive attitude and we got through 3 whole worlds without me making a negative comment about my inability to play the game. We laughed, we worked together, and we had fun. What a great way to start the morning!

So, moral of the story would be: put aside your frustrations and your negative attitude. You'll never know if the opportunity that you present may change the course of someone's day, either your own, or someone else's. Stay positive and enjoy the time you have with your friends.

Thanks for reading.

Show love and keep your mouth shut!!

impromptu turns offensive

I was always a good girl. I never rebelled. I never got into a fight. All of my girl friends' moms wanted their daughters to be like me. I can't blame my home life for anything that happened to me, because comparatively, my family was tame and normal.

My first semester of college, it seemed that the reigns were taken away. I was still reliable and trust worthy, but the opposite sex clouded my view. Chat rooms were amazing. I could talk to people from all over the world and there was no judgement because they didn't know I was overweight. All they knew was that I was a college girl who was smart and funny. Although I met some really great people, there were a few who enjoyed toying with people's emotions. A majority of them would confess imaginary feelings, which in turn would cause me to think that I had feelings for them. Every single time that I decided to tell the person on the other end of the computer that I liked them, or even when I thought I loved them, they would tell me that they played me like a fiddle.

Still I let them.

I was online all the time. When I wasn't in class, I was in the computer lab in a chat room. Not long had passed before I went through the sheet music of Aaron, James, and Scotty. Even though my heart was broken by those 3 scores, I was getting the hang of online dating. 

My second semester of college, I started talking to this guy named Barron. There wasn't any particular distinction between him and any other guy that I had talked to... but he lived in Louisiana. He mentioned to me that maybe I could come see him. I didn't really plan it. There was one day, out of the blue... I drove up to Minden, Louisiana, to see him. I was being impulsive! None of my family knew that I was going. I had only told my friend, Gabby, and I had only said I was going to go shopping... in Shreveport. It was kind of awesome. No one knew. I was a free girl... For a little while.

I picked him up at a friend's house where he was staying. He was handsome with sky blue eyes. He carried a garbage bag out to my car and said that his friends weren't allowing him to stay that night at their house. We drove around and stopped for pizza at Pizza Hut. I remember Barron saying that he wanted to see if his friend was home because he wanted to pick up something that was his... I think... well, he wasn't home. We ended up seeing his grandfather and talked with him for a while. As we talked to the old man with a handgun (I know, I thought he was going to use it on us), Police pulled up to the house where Barron was previously staying, across the street. So, we saw police pull up, get out of the car, talk to the people at the front door, and get back in their car and drive away. Not a big deal, yet...

Barron asked me to drive him to a friend's apartment and he'd stay there for the night. For some reason, I ended up having the girl who rented the apartment and Barron in my car driving to Wal-Mart... I don't know what for... My phone rings. It's my oldest brother, David. He called to tell me that he knew that I was with Barron Toller. I didn't even know his last name. He was on the run from the cops... I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, EITHER!!! David told me to challenge Barron and ask him... So I did, infuriated, with a complete stranger in the back seat listening to everything. He denied the accusations. I didn't know who to believe. 

How did David know who I was with? He later told me that it was a friend that we went to church with who was chief of police in a nearby town. He called Sprint, got my cell phone records, got in touch with the Dixie Inn/Minden Police Department and they were now looking for him and me.

I planned on staying around for about 30 minutes after that... Barron kept asking me to stay. I mentioned that I had school the next morning. I kept pushing the time back that I would leave... against my better judgment. We sat on the couch watching TV... He kissed me. We kept kissing... A couple of times, I'd gotten carried away kissing and dropped an "L" bomb on him. When he asked if I really did, I didn't want to tell him that I slipped into a trance and said it on accident, so I said, "I don't know."

For some reason unknown to me, I stayed the night at a complete stranger's apartment, making out on a couch with another complete stranger. The next day, I knew I had to go, because I had an early class. He talked me into staying longer... so I stayed... again, against my better judgment. 

That day, I felt like I needed to run away and never look back. Before I completely acknowledged the feeling that I had to leave, Barron decided to show me his rap sheet. I guess he was required by law to show me if he planned to have sex with me. I'm not quite sure. But he showed me. He explained what it was, that it showed how many times he'd been in jail and why. He waited a minute before he flipped each page. Then he came to the most important page: a page that told me more than I ever wanted to know of a person. All I remember of this very important page, was that in the middle, in BIG BOLD LETTERS, it said: 

SEX OFFENDER: __X_Y    ____N

I was utterly terrified. What do I do? How do I get out of here? What happens if he doesn't let me leave? What happens if he tries to have sex with me? Because I surely don't want to have sex with him! He continued to flip through his rap sheet. When he got to the end, he asked if I understood. I said yes. He said, "I bet you want to leave right now, don't you?" I was too polite, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings... Nevermind he just voided every sensation I was feeling... I just cared to not hurt his. I said, "not really," like I usually do... not really meaning it.

He tried without being forceful to take advantage of me, but I told him No. I told him that I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. He asked me if I thought he was a mistake... Gosh... I wish I wasn't so nice. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I said, No. I immediately wanted to say no meant yes... I lost my virginity to someone when I was 19. And I totally regretted it. I didn't want to make another mistake like that, especially with someone that I didn't know anything about besides he's a sex offender. 

It felt empowering and degrading at the same time as I gathered my few things I had and headed out to the car... Finally I was getting enough strength to walk out of the apartment. I was soon on my way back to school... and then to work... It was a horrible day. As I walked in my math class, my professor asked in front of the entire class if the cops had caught up with me. I chuckled nervously and said yes. I was mortified. On my way to my next class, I noticed everyone staring at me. EVERYONE. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be invisible. What had the police done? Gone to every classroom on campus looking for me? 

At least at work that afternoon, people were genuinely asking if I was okay. 

That night, it was hard to face my mom. She asked me if I was meeting guys on the internet to have sex with them. She called me words that I'm ashamed to type out. She said she didn't know who I was... well, neither did I. I lost my mom's trust. I became very depressed. I dropped out of school. I stopped going to church. I saw Barron's face everywhere. I was scared. It took me a long time to get out of that funk. Luckily, it was only about a year.

Since then, I dated two other guys online. And I met Chase. I've seen the good and the bad in online dating. I know the dangers, I know the pros. This is the worst case for me, although I know that there are people out there who don't get to see the next day. I got away without my dignity being completely destroyed. 

It's not always bad, but people don't always find their soul mates. People find the offenders, sometimes. I've really been thinking about this ordeal alot, lately. Last night, I cried because I remembered it with great detail. It haunts me still. But God delivered me. God delivered me from a bad situation. He allowed me to meet great guys who helped heal my heart. And ultimately, He lead me to Chase, and back to Chase. And now, I'm married. 7 years is a long time. Seven years has made me into a woman, somewhere along the lines.

For those who have endured this entry, thank you for being a part of my healing process and allowing me to give you a glimpse into my fears, my embarrassment, my stupidity, my mistake, my story. I can't look back without seeing how far I've come. I hope that those who know me see the same thing. God can do some amazing things if we let Him. He has delivered me, He's healed me, and He blessed me. All of the glory goes to Him.

Thanks for reading.

Dread Head (my dread journey)

In October, 2011, I stumbled across videos on YouTube of people talking about their dreadlocks. At first, I was enthralled! I couldn't get enough. The more videos I watched, the more I saw that people other than potheads had dreadlocks. I soon came to find a lady who approached the dreadlocks as a spiritual transformation. Her name is Tara Wagner of theorganicsister.com . (She has, since then, shaven off her dreadlocks for the same reason.) Eventually, I found that there were a reasonable amount of Believers putting dreadlocks in their hair. The more videos I watched, the more I thought about what I'd look like if I had dreadlocks.

Let me stop there for a moment. Let me take the time to say that before this, I'd been asking God to give me His eyes to see people the way that He saw them. I'd been dealing with judgement and being judgmental most of my life, because my mom is very judgmental. I found myself being very haughty and cruel, for no good reason, other than someone looking at me the wrong way.

Okay... back from the break. I watched most of Tara Wagner's videos on YouTube about her dreadlocks and other channels of people who experienced judgement as they pursued dreadlocks. Meanwhile, in my quiet times and Bible readings, I felt God saying that this would be good for me; a journey for me to take to understand the glances, the feelings, the wrongness of being a hypocrite Christian. I understood the ugliness of saying that I love all people, but in my heart of hearts, I despised the person who sagged their pants below their knees or the person who acts like a thug, but doesn't have common knowledge to know right from wrong. Or even the person holding the "HOMELESS" sign at the traffic light... Keep your window up and they won't ask for money to feed their drinking or drug habit. Keep your eyes forward and they won't know that you are thinking how dishonest they are. Or you think they don't know you're thinking that...

Well, November came and I ached to change my hair. "But I don't think Rachel would like it if I had dreadlocks in her wedding..." So, I waited. one more month passed and on December 3rd, I got the supplies and dreaded half of my head. My pastor, Nathan Martin kept me accountable without even knowing it. I had mentioned on Twitter that I was started the process and the next day, he asked about them. I pulled my hair out of my ponytail and showed him the progress that I had made from the previous night. And that night, I finished the process. My arms were tired, and I was exhausted!

Immediately, I felt eyes on me. The first time I went to church with them in my hair, people's upper lips curled as they asked what I had done. I could see that people didn't approve. I think back to the first video I made to introduce my dreadlocks... 2 or 3 days old, and they looked pretty bad. LOL That's not the point. The point is that I got them in. That even though they looked really rough the first couple of weeks, they were the right move for me. I think that if I would've been open about why I decided to start my dreadlocks, then maybe people would've understood and not been so judgmental about it! The only questions I got were "how long are you going to keep your hair like that?" and "how are you going to brush that out?" I kept saying that I wasn't going to brush it out and that I was going to keep my hair like that for at least 3 years. Again with the stares!!!

Boy, from Day 1, God started giving me humility. There were (and are) times where I take it gracefully, and other times where I take it like a punished child and pout. I knew this was going to happen. I knew what to expect, but still, it was, and is painful. There are days that I feel like I'm really making progress to being a compassionate and understanding person, and other days where I feel like I haven't made a change at all.

I have accepted this as a journey. I have to remind myself of such, and also that it takes patience. I didn't get this way overnight and it's not going to be cured overnight. It took years for me to become a callused hypocrite Christian and it'll take years to undo that. God shows me patience everyday. God shows me that I am imperfect every day and that I need Him to help me change. God is totally helping me to understand other people. They want to be loved. They want to be accepted. They want to fit in. And I see that. Until Jesus comes back, or until I die to this world, God is going to continue to show me and give me eyes to see His children with the great love that He has for them.

Thanks for reading. Be challenged!!!

Love someone that doesn't deserve it... that means everyone.

marriage with a dog and a cat

this week, i've really been running into a problem... i feel that i'm not getting the affection that i need. i don't feel completely loved. it's really causing Chase and me to get into alot of fights. i can't say that it's anything that i've been doing or not been doing, but i feel like Chase is really stepping away from me. i honestly don't know what to do.

Chase keeps asking me what he needs to do when i get my feelings hurt... and i keep telling him the same thing... it's the way that you say things. the right or wrong choice of words is everything. "i wanna be alone right now" or "i need a little bit of time to myself to sort out some things." 

so, right now, i'm trying to keep my distance from Chase in a one bedroom apartment... it's kinda difficult. 

I need affection like a dog. Chase needs affection like a cat. one scratch on the belly just isn't enough. makes me hungry for more, like my affection meter is never on 'F.' the occasional scratch behind the ear is really nice, but i miss it alot. i feel like i have to practically beg for his appreciation. Chase: he's way independent and doesn't need affection like i do. he is like, "okay, you scratched my head for 2 minutes. that's enough for this month."

sorry about the cat and dog analogy... but it's the only way that i know how to describe us. i try to give and give, but somehow, the efforts never yield a good harvest. lately, it's completely lacking.

marriage is hard.

loving or advocating?

On Twitter, I follow a lady who has a heart as pure as gold. She is also an activist for gay rights. She has pictures of herself with her church members marching in Gay Pride parades. Let me begin by saying that I am in no way, shape, or form homophobic. I am, however, struggling with the idea that churches are getting involved with gay rights and gay pride. I was so confused, or troubled by that idea that I opened my Bible and began searching for what the Bible says about homosexuality. In Leviticus 18:22, it states that it's a sin. Homosexuality is a sin. "Don't practice homosexuality, ...it is a detestable sin."

Okay... so I thought maybe they were loving the people, but "not really" supporting the act of homosexuality... No... it can't be. The Bible tells us to be in the world, but not "of" the world. We reference Romans 12:2 which says, "Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person, by changing the way you think..." Let's also look at John 15:19 and see what that says.The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you."

Essentially, let's take John 15:19 and Romans 12:2 and combine them and see what it says. We'd get something like this:  you don't belong to the world anymore; I AM chose you, therefore, you mustn't copy the behavior of the world: let God transform you into a new being.

Needless to say, I still have a problem with churches taking part in gay rights and gay pride parades... I again am saying that I don't have a problem with the people, it's just that homosexuality is a sin, like stealling, or cheating on your husband...

Another approach would be to say how do we as the church, as the body of Christ, love people who are in sin without  promoting, advocating, or being comfortable with their sin? Not just homosexuality, but with any sin?

 It hurts me to see someone trying to fill an emptiness that only God can fill.

I pray that you understand what goes on  in my head. It really is a battle. Until I fully understand this, God, please fill my heart, soul, and mind with peace that exceeds my understanding. Let love overflow for Your children, all of Your children. Help me to see them the way that You see them.

no intro needed

I'm 27 years and one day old. I'm very blessed to have married my best friend. He isn't perfect, as I'm not perfect, but we're perfect for each other. Although I believe someone can have more than one soul mate, Chase is the one I chose to be with. That means that I forsake all others and cling to him. He is such an amazing man. I couldn't have chosen anyone better for me than him. He's helping me become who I've always been, but was too afraid to admit.

So, informatively, I have dreadlocks, which I will write about at a later time. I have facial piercings (I got another one this past Saturday), and one tattoo (I'm thinking about my second one now). I've been learning lately not to put people into a mold or a stereotype. I, for one, am trying to break them. Christians shouldn't look one way... They shouldn't all be nice hair and clean faced. And I'm sure that they glorify God with their pretty hair and their nice clothes, and their makeup. I glorify God with my appearance in a quite different way. I grew my dreadlocks to bring Glory to God. and I'm getting piercings and tattoos to glorify God.

Anyway, enough about me... I'll have plenty of time to talk about that later. I just wanted to write a little bit of what's on my mind. :)

Cheers.