Not too many people know the story of my oldest brother. I want to give a little background of what's happened in my brother's family the last year without going into too much detail. It's a necessary part of why I'm blogging, today. My brother's wife, well, essentially ex-wife, now, wanted to take a "discovery" trip to Bangladesh to experience life in a 3rd world country. She thought it was a good idea to bring the two kiddos with her so that they could experience it, as well. She said that she wanted them to know that not everywhere in the world isn't as rich as we are. My brother was very reluctant to let her bring a then 2 and 4 or 5 year old with her. He did eventually give in. She initially planned on staying about a month. When her trip was coming to a close, she asked if it was okay that she stay longer and take on a job with the Canadian Embassy. He said no, and to come home. Long, very long story short, she went against his wishes and stayed with the kids. I'm leaving out some details that aren't very flattering because I still want everyone's integrity in tact. After months and months of phone calls and demanding return or visitation, my brother plead his case with a lawyer and they said that international child abduction had taken place. With secretive information, my brother went to Bangladesh and retrieved the children and brought them safely back to Canada.
And there was much rejoicing in the land.
Fast forward from November to now. My brother's work visa has expired and even though he has applied for permanent residency, he hasn't been granted residency yet. He was informed that at the end of the month, he has to return to the US and wait for the application process to continue. It's good news for my family who have greedily wanted to hug and hold those kiddos for years. So, a drive is commencing the 30th of July and they'll be on their way back to the boot state. Great news.
The not so great stuff and the reason why I'm so distraught, my brother's ex-wife has decided to finally leave Bangladesh after a year and a half, roughly. She is back in Louisiana and will seek out the kids. I'm so torn up over it that I couldn't sleep last night. Chase and I may be moving in with my brother's family so that they will have a more stable home-life as soon as possible. And I'm so freakin' excited to be able to bond and love on my precious niece and nephew!! What I'm not excited about is the inevitable visit that will take place some day (I fear it will be very soon). I'm afraid to leave her in the same room with the kids, even for a bathroom break. I'm afraid that I will hit her and tell her what I think about her thoughtlessness and her endangerment of her own children (motherhood definitely lends a different way of thinking to women, ie: safety of children, awareness, an all-around fondness for children and their well-being).
Since I've begun to think about what a house of three kids would look like, I've started to dream of fun trips and bonding experiences with the three of them (Jack makes three). I've also thought about what it looks like to have everyone sitting in a living area and playing warden, making sure that my family is safe. I have no idea what I'm going to do or how I'm going to react. I'm so worried that I'm going to say something that is not edifying to her or make her seem like a monster in front of her offspring. I've dreamed about telling her that I love her (which isn't at the top of my list of things I want to convey), but is it true? Do I love her? Definitely not who she's become in the last year and a half. I pray for myself, that I will let it go, I pray for her and her salvation, but mostly, I keep asking God to help me and change my heart. I know forgiving doesn't mean that I'm not going to forget, or not hurt, or that it's going to be okay immediately. I know that it means just no acting on what she's done and the decisions she's made. How do I keep loving her, even after those affections are gone? How do I let God step in between my hatred (oh, boy, it doesn't feel good saying that...) and His creation? I don't know how to let something that seems so huge just dissipate.
Needless to say, I really need someone to step in and pray for me. I don't know the words to say, I don't know what to ask, I don't know how I need to react or what I need to/should say. I don't know how to keep it bottled inside or how I need to vent. I don't know what I'm going to do when I do see her.
And as for now, my mind has emptied and I can't think anymore. I have no idea. I feel so defeated because I don't have a resolution. Please pray for me. Thanks.
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