Since being back in Louisiana, we have been struggling to stay afoot. I took a part time job at Bath and Body Works as a shift manager, which was good for the first month or two. The third month got rough. I don't know if it was my performance, or being away from Jack for 30-40 hours a week, or that my boss wasn't a good boss, but the district manager kept saying, "you have a talent issue." I don't know if the DM was referring to me, the other shift manager, or the store manager. The store manager kept blaming the condition of the store on me. I did everything that I was asked to do. The only thing that struggled was my sales. I knew taking the job that sales wasn't my forte. I have, however, worked in retail for the past 9-10 years of my professional life. I felt that it didn't matter and that I could do the job. So, regardless of my ability to perform, or if the "talent issue" was me or not, I felt like I was forced to resign or I would get fired. I chose the former. I wrote a very cordial letter of resignation and my coworkers said that I was too kind in my letter. I am now a stay-at-home mom and it's my 5th day on the job. It's been nice being able to be with Jack for most of the day while Chase chugs away looking for a job.
He had an interview this morning at 11am. He said it went well, but he'd have to wait until late next week to find out if he got the job or not. So, now, we are playing the waiting game. I'm not good at that. Especially since we have one half of a paycheck coming in next week. Money is on the low side, has been for a long while. We are constantly reminding ourselves that it took us 6 months to get our feet on the ground and it's right around that time. We know God is taking care of us, through my parents, but at the same time, we don't want to rely on their providence in place of God's.
Sitting down to put my thoughts into words is the only thing that can keep me sane right now. I don't know what to do to help the situation. I know that the smart thing would've been to continue to work until Chase found a job, but taking advice from my husband and my mom and my coworkers to go ahead and cut my ties made my decision easier. I remember standing in the living room at my mom's house and telling her that I didn't have faith big enough to quit my job before Chase had a job of his own. My mom said, "uh, Jill, do I need to remind you that you moved to and from Seattle with no jobs lined up?"She was right. My faith was not an issue, regardless what I thought. It took more faith to quit my job than to stay there and drag by with no fulfillment. On the other side of the coin, I didn't want to say, "God will take care of me," and just go home. In the meantime, God is showing me that He is taking care of us and keeping us from need.
My emotions are on such a roller coaster ride, lately. It's so hard just trusting the LORD. I feel like I'm saying that I'm trusting Jesus with my life, but on the inside, my heart is so fearful that we aren't going to make it to the next paycheck. It's amplified since I've had Jack. It seems like there's so much more need to have filled than there was with Chase, Klaus, and myself. I don't doubt God's ability to take care of us, or that God isn't bigger than our need. Maybe I just need to pray for God to remove my doubt, fear, and insecurities.
When Chase and I made a decision to move to Seattle, I was still working at the credit union. I had a piece of paper that I wrote the reasons why I didn't want to quit (since we thought it was going to be very soon after we visited Seattle that we were moving). After I wrote every insecurity I had on the paper, I took a red Sharpie pen and wrote over the paragraph in large, friendly letters: GOD IS BIGGER! He is bigger than every negative thought, every insecurity, every fear, every inability that I have, that my husband has, than our checkbook. We have an amazing Father who wants to be our provider and our comfort and our strength.
And lastly, I think that I want to read God Smuggler by Brother Andrew, again. It's an amazing book about God's providence and strength. On par with The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom.
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